2011 - Let's do this!

I'm only two Sundays behind on the new year's resolution to blog on Sundays! Yay, me! I've decided I've been subconsciously paralyzed in my blogging by the fact that both my husband and yes, my 11YO son, now have my blog in their readers. I'm just going to push past it and expect the barrage of teasing (DH) and questions (DS) to begin.

In sum, we have had all sorts of trauma, trials and plagues, evil enslaving pharaohs, miracles and sea-partings, and we're still in the wilderness wandering, we hope, toward our promised land.  Probably just like you. 

My painfully private husband has had to go pretty public with his current preparations to take the Utah Bar, in part because we needed prayers (and still do, keep 'em coming).  He also is still working, which adds up to 18 hour days.  He now lives in a cave downstairs where I take his meals when my watch alarm goes off thrice a day, then I sneak out quickly. Only Words With Friends keeps us connected (iPhone Scrabble).  

We are almost in the middle of our 11-week ordeal right now, thus the radio silence--we were burned out and exhausted within the first week thanks to a perfect storm of Bar application demands and Christmas. I'm sad to say I kind of missed Christmas this year--I went through all the motions to try to make it fun for the kids but the stress levels were so high. As I took down the tree, I had that relieved feeling of checking off a big box, which really is sad. Next year, hopefully, I'll internalize a little more Christmas.  

So, David takes the test on my birthday, 2/22 and 2/23, and at this point, everything revolves around that. 

In my relatively single-mom state, I still have much to do, both to bring in additional needed income and to keep the family going. The Children's Choir is going wonderfully, I am enjoying it so much and hoping to expand it this year. I wanted to keep it very inexpensive, and I end up putting most of the money back into the choir anyway, so it is much more hobby than job, but it is very fulfilling and I hope to be doing it for years to come.  

I'm also applying to the U to start more music study in the fall. I keep telling the Lord it is not a good time but keep feeling like I need to move the process forward.  Our AMAZING piano teacher  is a great example to me, as she also has kids, just finished her Bachelor of Music and is going back for her Masters.  

The Utah Chamber Artists will be back in session at the end of the month, with our Winter concert happening just after the Bar. I LOVE being part of the UCA, it is a huge blessing in my life.    

The rest of my time that I'm not preparing or cleaning up meals or taskmastering the homework/chores/piano daily drill, I'm working on marketing jobs to pay the bills.

Benjamin is just plugging away at life, getting ready to progress to his Deputy Black Belt III in Tae Kwon Do, enjoying scouts and technology class and really excelling at piano as he prepares for AIM reviews in March.  It's a pleasure to hear him play, unless it is 6:30 a.m., but some days that's what has to happen to get those five days in--our teacher is very strict on that!  He's excited to start taking a C++ programming class at school and dutifully goes out and shovels the driveway at the crack of dawn anytime it snows--without a single request.   On a busy night, I can just say, "Ben, can you take care of dinner?" And he'll jump to it, providing a great meal, vegetable included, a well-set table and sometimes even a decent cleanup job, too.  

Sophie is enjoying school, piano and choir, and is still in Tae Kwon Do and progressing quickly, although her attention wanders often and now she wants to go back to gymnastics and try out for a community play of Annie. We're in a contract for TKD through the summer and I really want her to get to black belt before quitting, but we'll deal with it when we get there. She is really starting to enjoy cooking, too, and can make several things independently.  She is very good at math and seems to be enjoying Latin at school also. My mom is teaching her to sew and she made her very own Christmas stocking with a great deal of appliquéd work. Overall she seems pretty happy these days.

I'm so grateful for Capitol Hill Academy--what a great find that was.  That on its own may be why we are supposed to stay here in Utah--we still aren't really sure why, but we feel it's the right thing for now.

So it may seem strange that I actually ended up pulling Noah from the CHA 3-day kindergarten this month and just kept him in his afternoon public school kindergarten program. But, it saves us a third tuition payment, and we still plan to send him next year.  He loves it, and is such a fun, mischievous little squirt and still has the kissiest fat cheeks.  He is begging to go back to gymnastics too, and hopefully we'll be able to do that soon. His reading is coming along nicely and, when they are not fighting, he is best friends with Lucy and can be so considerate of her.  

Lucy is a sweet little partner to my days. She's so observant and constantly comments on what we're doing (and my own inconsistencies) in such a remarkable way. Yes, I'm not yet 40, but she already feels like the comfort of my old age. She's not doing any extra-curriculars these days, although she also dresses in her "monkeynastics" clothes often and begs to be taken, which again I hope to do again soon.  Oh yes, I added a 5-7 music class to the choir for them and some of their friends and it's so much fun, so she has that. I'm trying to remember all the fun things I did when Ben and Sophie were where Noah and Lucy are now, I want to give them a taste of that pre-burned out mommy era.

This has been a rough few months, and we are facing at least three more rocky ones ahead. I'm frankly very tired.  Some of you are not going to believe me when I say this, but I very much would like less drama in my life. Or at least, I would like the drama I bring into it myself, like the choirs and kids and music study, but less of all the other stuff.  But that's not how life works, and apparently I came for experience and am getting it. 

Today I was preparing for my lesson next week on the prophet's talk on Gratitude and was struck when he said gratitude was the key to the windows of heaven. I realized that complaining really limits the Lord's hand in my life, no matter how much I may feel I have to complain about, and it's becoming easier to see how amazingly blessed I really am.  It has been interesting in past weeks to see so clearly the hand of the Lord working miracles in our lives, and although our long-term requests still need to wait on the Lord's timeline, it has been such a comfort to see Him so close. When I am grumpy and make a concerted effort to count blessings, it really is an instantaneous transformation.  There are people in the direst of circumstances who have tapped into the divine power of gratitude, so in my warm home full of kids and food and clothes and the gospel, I should be able to do no less.

I was recently reminded by Chantelle in the UK about a post I did a while ago on gratitude, where I said that I'd specifically told the Lord, "Don't change my attitude, change my crappy situation!" and He went ahead and changed my attitude anyway, because apparently He felt that was the crappy situation. If it's going to be the way it's going to be, why not be happier? It's just a constant effort. And, since gratitude was the keynote issue of the prophet in this last conference, trying to "follow the prophet" these days really takes some work on the inside. But that's always the case when trying to follow Christ--just who knew that "becoming a new creature" process really is as painful as it looks in the werewolf movies!

Well, next Sunday should be shorter now we're all caught up, and I have several pics I need to upload from the phone, so forgive the long, pic-free post.

Love to all.

Valerie

If you can't join 'em--start your own party

As I said in my last post, I was so excited to get my kids going in the fancy new choir.  But as the moment moved closer to write the check, I started feeling weird about it.  It was so much money, and I felt anxious as I thought about that and the "performance parent" chaos that would replace my peaceful, quiet holiday season--they have tons of performances.


We decided to nix it, and glad I did, as I found out from a friend that there were a lot of additional fees and charges I didn't know about--it would have amounted to another $260 a month!  So that was a good call.


Then, as I told my friend Melonee about it, she recommended I just have my own children's choir--for parents like us who don't have tons of expendable income or time to run around to tons of performances, but still want a fancy classical musical education for our kids.  I have some great curriculum materials and felt I could still give my kids what I wanted for them, I just needed some more kids to round it out.  Plus I had just told Melonee I wanted to take on a few more voice students anyway, so it all came together.


So I spent a couple hours the other night to pop up a website and get the materials together.  We'll practice in my home for now, at the church if they will allow it and we grow too much, and the school has given me permission (and a piano!) to have rehearsals there after school.  It should be really fun, and although we'll still perform, it won't be a crazy schedule (and always on my terms).  :)


So, that's what I'm doing these days.

Prep for Christmas starts this coming Wednesday--German, Latin, and Kodaly ear training to boot. Should be fun! Please pass along the info to anyone in the area who may be interested.

www.veritaschildrenschoir.org

Veritas Children's Choir of Utah

www.veritaschildrenschoir.org

Veritas Children's Choir was created to provide an affordable, quality musical foundation to children ages 8-15* in Davis County and the greater Salt Lake City area. A wide range of exciting repertoire, formal Kodaly training and upbeat instruction help young singers learn to sing naturally while th...

If Music Be the Food of Love: Managing the Mundane

It's been a month since school began, and the family continues to both embrace and resist the structure and schedule in a kind of awkward dance.  (Everyone but David, of course, who only embraces it.)    I have decided to stay at the school while the children are there four days a week--helping to correct papers and cover incidental needs, subbing as needed.  School is only 8-12 and runs very conservatively on staff and budget, so they need the help.  I also watch a little six-week old boy while his mother does a fantastic job of teaching math and science to the upper grades. They have helped our family so much, I'm glad to be useful for once.

But on a more selfish note, it has forced more structure into my own life.  I can bring my computer in, write, deal with family business, and take care of things in between the times I'm needed.  That keeps me off the computer in the after-school hours where my attention really needs to be on house and home and parenting. 

That is the rough part, when the structure ends.  That daily grind where roses are supposed to be blooming beneath my feet with all that love at home.  However, I too often fail to see any. 

The past several weeks have led me to much thinking about how to manage the mundane--the stuff that 99.9% of life is made of.  I have spent so much energy trying to avoid it, by living in the future (or the past, or on the internet) distracting myself with other possibilities that would surely be much more interesting.  The perennial motherly temptations of something more meaningful or important--which of course do not exist. Conference was such a blessing, and as I listened with these things in mind, I heard a lot about simplicity and how to find joy in the everyday.  I've been really struggling to bring the promptings and inspiration I received in those two days into the reality of my post-conference life.

But even before conference, I had consciously come to (what seems now) an obvious conclusion.  I struggled with the same questions many do: How would I survive the crushing weight of my own thoughts when life would now be comprised almost entirely of menial tasks?  How would I stay engaged and not allow myself to be distracted or discontent with my terribly uncool reality?

Easy--I just needed a cooler soundtrack. 

The obvious next step was with Pandora--in my mind, the greatest invention the world has ever known.  Constant, free, almost ad-free internet radio completely customized to myself?  Yes, please.  Bored with the endless cycle of dishes?  The Postal Service station is the answer--because now I'm a sassy indie hipster finding only slightly pretentious beauty in the everyday things.  Feeling a little blue and don't want to be cheered up?  Definitely the Patty Griffin station--where the despair can become accepting and transcendent instead of dragging me into a dark place.  Chores with the kids?  Twist and Shout radio seems to get them going pretty well.

Generally, I don't use music to feel better when I'm down or to change how I'm feeling, but to help me feel how I'm feeling in a more beautiful way. Whatever the emotion, however uncomfortable or painful--music seems to color it in a way that enhances the inherent value of the human experience.

Making music, for me, is even more powerful.  I was so grateful recently to get into the Utah Chamber Artists, who are argued by many musicians to be one of the finest vocal groups in the state.  I am overwhelmed by my emotional response to creating this music.  I guess I'm just a rookie, but I'm still having to hide tears during rehearsals just from the beauty of it all.  

And, instead of just carelessly pounding my way through primary like a muppet (I'm the pianist), the upcoming program (and lots of fancy piano arrangements) are requiring me to practice every day--and I am noticing that practicing time resets my emotions in a very positive way (often needed after helping my own children practice their piano).

On that topic, I feel the same effect on my children.  At the risk of overscheduling them, I have just given in to their requests to join a children's choir--and my generally whiny, negative, squabbling older children turn into happy, laughing buddies for hours after coming home (plus this great choir often gets to sing for amazing people like the Dalai Lama, visiting dignitaries, church leaders, etc.)  They are playing the piano in their free time and finding joy in what they can do now (thanks to the most amazing piano teacher--ask me if you need one!)  They come to my concerts and actually enjoy them--not openly weeping like their sissy mother, though, not yet anyway.

So, whatever other things I need to understand to enjoy the practice of daily living, music, for now, is making all the difference.  It doesn't make me a better parent, but it is just a bit harder to yell at them over Pandora.

The Great Chicken Massacre of 2008

Well, it was really only six roosters. It appears that 3 of my 10 layers are probably roosters, so I kept all 4 female fryers alive. It was much easier this time around. David took an idea from a guy at my work and we still used the "killing cone" but we used large pruning shears first, which broke the neck and got them dead fast and then finished off with a knife. I tried to pluck one, which looks nice in the end, but took so long I said bag it and had David skin the rest. It was a better division of labor, he said, for him to kill and skin and for me to gut. It took way longer than a respectable person should take, but since he put them on ice after skinning, I had to gut cold chickens, which was SO much better psychologically than warm ones.

I eat less meat all around now since that first chicken murder, but suffice it to say that I'm fine with killing and cleaning chickens now (and probably most animals of similar size), which is a skill that may come in handy sometime, who knows.

Mom helped pick lots of garden stuff and I have 10 pounds of cherry tomatoes because I didn't plan well.

For dinner Saturday, we had a chowder with corn (neighbors who apparently didn't see my corn field), potatoes and onions (my garden) and brocolli (Costco) with zucchini banana bread (my garden and a facist banana republic governing oppressed workers with the Chiquita militia, respectively). We were proud of our #7 produce count for one meal.

The doctor told my on Friday I will probably need a hysterectomy this year. Any wise advice on that is welcome.

Michele asked what race I was preparing for--the answer is a sprint triathlon (or, the sissy triathlon). I already do almost the equivalent over three days but I'm moving toward doing them all on one day in less than 90 minutes.

• Swim: 750 m(0.5 mi) (I currently can do 900 in 30 minutes)
  
• Bike: 20 km(12.4 mi) (I am not quite there yet because my lunch hour is too short and I am too slow and stationary bikes are dumb, and I need to get me a real bike)
  
• Run: 5 km (3.2 mi) (I'm slow because I can't run yet and have to walk, but I can do it in 50 minutes).

It's good times. I want to be able to do this in one day, even if it just on my own, before I have to go get cut open.

So the funny choir story. When David was on a mission I dated a very nice guy for 9 months named Brett. He was very complimentary and, let's just say it, fawning, and even though if the record was read back it would be clear I told him repeatedly that I really felt I needed to be with David, my actions spoke otherwise because of my own selfish need to have a nice guy fawn on me. Plus, he really was a good friend and I liked him. Just not in the irrational, apparently eternal infatuation-style way I liked/like my totally grumpy and un-fawning David.

So, this went on until the Wednesday before the Saturday David got home, when I was visiting him in Provo and just woke up and said, "Crap, I gotta go."

I drove away, never spoke to him again, was married two months later, I heard gruesome reports on the results of my horrible handling of the situation, and learned in 2000 that he had never married.

So, the funny story--you saw it coming--yup, he's in my choir. I'll see him every week now--and he's a baritone and I'm a SII, so we literally face each other the whole time in the U-shaped room.

The good news: he did finally get married three years ago. He has a 22 YO stepson and no children.

I saw him and after an initial, "Oh crap!" I just went up on the break and said, "Hey, we gonna talk and be friends or would you rather not?" He stared at me in confusion then horror (have I changed that much? He didn't recognize me!), then he quickly covered with friendliness. We parted, then I realized he was absent the next 20 minutes of practice. Then, in an attempt to get it all laid out then and not drag things on, I asked him to talk with me a few minutes after practice to make sure it would all be cool with our weekly seeing each other and whatnot. He was nice and chatty and offered me a nice platonic yet snug hug, which was strangely familiar despite the years. Fifteen years is enough for him to get over me being a total self-absorbed @$#* and completely messing with his head and life, right? I know a good week is enough to get over me, but to get over the leavings of my evilness?

Arg.

Life is stranger than fiction.

David says I can still go to choir, he just doesn't want to ever meet this person.

Well, back to a crazy busy week. Manic ambition is a slave driver.

Breaking the Silence

I know I have been a very non-blogging blogger of late. Here is one reason.

When I went back to work, I felt inclined to begin voice study again, and started looking for a teacher more seriously. A short time into work, I got to know a coworker a little better who is also a singer--sings with the Tab, in fact. I have never sung in a (non-church related) choir, as I was a prideful little brat who refused to pay my dues way back in 9th grade and have regretted it ever since. I liked to hear about his choir experiences, but I am a lonely soloist who can't sight-read on the spot, and, as I have always said, "am not a choral singer."

A few days after I had more in depth conversations with this co-worker, I had a very strong prompting that I was to do more choral music. I blew off this prompting as an emotional response to the various choral CDs I had been listening to at work. A day later, I got a similar prompting. Again, attributed it to hormones.

Finally, the third time I felt it, I prayed about it, and decided I would move forward as if it were a real prompting, as that's what it kind of appeared to be. I jumped in to learn what I should do to start, talking with my coworker about advice.

I looked into area choirs and contacted them about auditions. Almost all of them were completing their auditions within days of my first contact. It was with a lax attitude of "what the heck, I'm just following a prompting," that I signed up for a few auditions, all to take place within the next 48 hours.

I spent the next two days doing crash sight-singing drills, and re-memorizing the words to Schubert's "An Die Musik." (Which, before this ordeal, was my favorite German lieder--not so sure now). It just so happened that my first trial voice lesson with my co-workers voice teacher was two hours before my first audition.

Having been without a formal teacher for 8 years, I have formed some bad habits, and that I knew. Although my time with this new teacher was short, I told him of my audition that night. He knew of the choir and knew the director personally. He worked to correct some major issues on the spot, told me what mattered most to that particular director and I left re-remembering how to sing quite a bit better (not just to please sacrament meeting audiences, but in the true Walkyrie sense--think viking horns).

I felt I gave about 50-60% at that audition. I was out of breath from racing there even as I began to sing, and it was just very loose all over the place, IMO. But, since I felt I was following a prompting, I felt fine about going and getting that experience. It's good to be humbled, however uncomfortable it may be, if it makes me feel like working harder.

This first choir I auditioned for was the one I was the most interested in--all classical repertoire, good director to learn from and known in the community.

Well, four days after my audition they invited me to join one of their three choirs--the Women's Chorus. I'm excited, and a little curious about why all the prompting and what the future is about. I'm getting all this sight singing curriculum this week and am just really enjoying it. A musical life would be my greatest dream, so I'm just really grateful that the Lord knows me and is sending me in this direction, putting the right people in my path and giving me just-in-time promptings--even though this specific path isn't one I've previously considered.

So, sight-singing study and preserving the vast offerings from the garden have now taken up all blogging time. But I'm still aiming to keep my Sunday journal.

For me, it's really, really exciting. I just got my acceptance email, so I wanted to share my excitement.

http://www.saltlakechoralartists.org/index.php