I'm on a roll!

Two Sundays in a row--success is imminent! We continue plugging away through this particularly grueling time of our lives.  Five weeks left.  Today I taught a lesson on Gratitude in Relief Society, and David heard the same lesson in priesthood.  We both came away renewed and more committed to be humble and accept the Lord's plan and timeline.  A good thing we go to church each week, that's about how often we need reminding.

I planned my lesson and went with the flow of the discussion, and came away learning things I didn't fully understand going in.  Through our talking, we realized that gratitude is really a principle of trust in God.  Life is by it's nature hard, and hard isn't bad, it's the point.  The only thing we can expect in life is that He will make it all come together for our good. I've seen that happen enough to know it's true.

I also learned that gratitude is a principle that unlocks the heavens in a way that's beyond just cheering us up because of positive thinking--it allows the Lord to bless us in ways he can't if we aren't in a grateful mindset--it literally allows us to see the hand of God, and is the key to true joy in this life.  It's not just, "I know, I should be grateful, but things are too lame." It's really searching for God in daily life, which in turn makes it easier to find Him, which in turn allows Him to have an even greater influence. It's really an amazing root principle.

I also learned something about complaining.  We live in a culture where if bad things happen, we have a "right" to complain and be upset about it--indignant.  The difference between sharing our troubles with a friend and complaining is pride and ingratitude. When we are affronted by our trials rather than humbled by them, it shows that, like Laman and Lemuel, we murmur because we know not the dealings of God.  I've really recommitted to avoiding complaining, I really feel it limits the ability for God to work in my life.  

Funny how you can "teach" a lesson and come out with things that were completely not on the radar. That calling has been a great blessing to me.

Thanks to a gift certificate from David's parents, their willingness to babysit and a miraculous 4-hour window David had in his insanely unsustainable study/work schedule after returning from out of town, I got my first date of the year last night, to celebrate our 18th anniversary this week. Wow, we are so old--I can't see how this happened. For such avid daters, we have really missed it.  But it's true that I appreciated it more since it is so hard to come by these days.

Other events of the week,—my Children's Choir is moving over to the new Centerpoint Legacy Theater in February and out of my house. I finally decided which program I should do at the U and am applying this weekend for next fall (second Bachelor, Music Education - Choral).  Report cards came in this week and Ben and Sophie are doing well. Ben had a fabulous time on the Klondike overnighter and managed to stay warm, went cross country skiing for the first time, came home happy, exhausted, and sun kissed.

I'm really starting to see with Ben and Sophie that I have prepubescent timebombs on my hands if I don't really start focusing in on their changing needs.  After years of just making sure everyone gets meals and clothes, spiritual fundamentals, protection from obvious dangers and sufficient hugs, I can sense a shift in my parenting stage that I'm trying to be more prepared to handle.  A lot more practical application of all this preparatory stuff coming up fast.

Pressing forward and counting down . . . .

2011 - Let's do this!

I'm only two Sundays behind on the new year's resolution to blog on Sundays! Yay, me! I've decided I've been subconsciously paralyzed in my blogging by the fact that both my husband and yes, my 11YO son, now have my blog in their readers. I'm just going to push past it and expect the barrage of teasing (DH) and questions (DS) to begin.

In sum, we have had all sorts of trauma, trials and plagues, evil enslaving pharaohs, miracles and sea-partings, and we're still in the wilderness wandering, we hope, toward our promised land.  Probably just like you. 

My painfully private husband has had to go pretty public with his current preparations to take the Utah Bar, in part because we needed prayers (and still do, keep 'em coming).  He also is still working, which adds up to 18 hour days.  He now lives in a cave downstairs where I take his meals when my watch alarm goes off thrice a day, then I sneak out quickly. Only Words With Friends keeps us connected (iPhone Scrabble).  

We are almost in the middle of our 11-week ordeal right now, thus the radio silence--we were burned out and exhausted within the first week thanks to a perfect storm of Bar application demands and Christmas. I'm sad to say I kind of missed Christmas this year--I went through all the motions to try to make it fun for the kids but the stress levels were so high. As I took down the tree, I had that relieved feeling of checking off a big box, which really is sad. Next year, hopefully, I'll internalize a little more Christmas.  

So, David takes the test on my birthday, 2/22 and 2/23, and at this point, everything revolves around that. 

In my relatively single-mom state, I still have much to do, both to bring in additional needed income and to keep the family going. The Children's Choir is going wonderfully, I am enjoying it so much and hoping to expand it this year. I wanted to keep it very inexpensive, and I end up putting most of the money back into the choir anyway, so it is much more hobby than job, but it is very fulfilling and I hope to be doing it for years to come.  

I'm also applying to the U to start more music study in the fall. I keep telling the Lord it is not a good time but keep feeling like I need to move the process forward.  Our AMAZING piano teacher  is a great example to me, as she also has kids, just finished her Bachelor of Music and is going back for her Masters.  

The Utah Chamber Artists will be back in session at the end of the month, with our Winter concert happening just after the Bar. I LOVE being part of the UCA, it is a huge blessing in my life.    

The rest of my time that I'm not preparing or cleaning up meals or taskmastering the homework/chores/piano daily drill, I'm working on marketing jobs to pay the bills.

Benjamin is just plugging away at life, getting ready to progress to his Deputy Black Belt III in Tae Kwon Do, enjoying scouts and technology class and really excelling at piano as he prepares for AIM reviews in March.  It's a pleasure to hear him play, unless it is 6:30 a.m., but some days that's what has to happen to get those five days in--our teacher is very strict on that!  He's excited to start taking a C++ programming class at school and dutifully goes out and shovels the driveway at the crack of dawn anytime it snows--without a single request.   On a busy night, I can just say, "Ben, can you take care of dinner?" And he'll jump to it, providing a great meal, vegetable included, a well-set table and sometimes even a decent cleanup job, too.  

Sophie is enjoying school, piano and choir, and is still in Tae Kwon Do and progressing quickly, although her attention wanders often and now she wants to go back to gymnastics and try out for a community play of Annie. We're in a contract for TKD through the summer and I really want her to get to black belt before quitting, but we'll deal with it when we get there. She is really starting to enjoy cooking, too, and can make several things independently.  She is very good at math and seems to be enjoying Latin at school also. My mom is teaching her to sew and she made her very own Christmas stocking with a great deal of appliquéd work. Overall she seems pretty happy these days.

I'm so grateful for Capitol Hill Academy--what a great find that was.  That on its own may be why we are supposed to stay here in Utah--we still aren't really sure why, but we feel it's the right thing for now.

So it may seem strange that I actually ended up pulling Noah from the CHA 3-day kindergarten this month and just kept him in his afternoon public school kindergarten program. But, it saves us a third tuition payment, and we still plan to send him next year.  He loves it, and is such a fun, mischievous little squirt and still has the kissiest fat cheeks.  He is begging to go back to gymnastics too, and hopefully we'll be able to do that soon. His reading is coming along nicely and, when they are not fighting, he is best friends with Lucy and can be so considerate of her.  

Lucy is a sweet little partner to my days. She's so observant and constantly comments on what we're doing (and my own inconsistencies) in such a remarkable way. Yes, I'm not yet 40, but she already feels like the comfort of my old age. She's not doing any extra-curriculars these days, although she also dresses in her "monkeynastics" clothes often and begs to be taken, which again I hope to do again soon.  Oh yes, I added a 5-7 music class to the choir for them and some of their friends and it's so much fun, so she has that. I'm trying to remember all the fun things I did when Ben and Sophie were where Noah and Lucy are now, I want to give them a taste of that pre-burned out mommy era.

This has been a rough few months, and we are facing at least three more rocky ones ahead. I'm frankly very tired.  Some of you are not going to believe me when I say this, but I very much would like less drama in my life. Or at least, I would like the drama I bring into it myself, like the choirs and kids and music study, but less of all the other stuff.  But that's not how life works, and apparently I came for experience and am getting it. 

Today I was preparing for my lesson next week on the prophet's talk on Gratitude and was struck when he said gratitude was the key to the windows of heaven. I realized that complaining really limits the Lord's hand in my life, no matter how much I may feel I have to complain about, and it's becoming easier to see how amazingly blessed I really am.  It has been interesting in past weeks to see so clearly the hand of the Lord working miracles in our lives, and although our long-term requests still need to wait on the Lord's timeline, it has been such a comfort to see Him so close. When I am grumpy and make a concerted effort to count blessings, it really is an instantaneous transformation.  There are people in the direst of circumstances who have tapped into the divine power of gratitude, so in my warm home full of kids and food and clothes and the gospel, I should be able to do no less.

I was recently reminded by Chantelle in the UK about a post I did a while ago on gratitude, where I said that I'd specifically told the Lord, "Don't change my attitude, change my crappy situation!" and He went ahead and changed my attitude anyway, because apparently He felt that was the crappy situation. If it's going to be the way it's going to be, why not be happier? It's just a constant effort. And, since gratitude was the keynote issue of the prophet in this last conference, trying to "follow the prophet" these days really takes some work on the inside. But that's always the case when trying to follow Christ--just who knew that "becoming a new creature" process really is as painful as it looks in the werewolf movies!

Well, next Sunday should be shorter now we're all caught up, and I have several pics I need to upload from the phone, so forgive the long, pic-free post.

Love to all.

Valerie

Quick Update

Consistent with my recent post, although not altogether intentionally, music really has begun to take over my life.  Utah Chamber Artists rehearsals are back in session, and we perform with the Utah Symphony this coming weekend (tickets still available through Utah Symphony).  Also, the Christmas concert on December 6th is going to be transcendent and fabulous, get your tickets now.

"Christmas with Utah Chamber Artists"

Location:Libby Gardner Concert Hall

Time:7:30PM Monday, December 6th

My new children's choir is doing wonderfully--almost 30 kids already--and we're preparing for Christmas performances that are fast approaching.  Rehearsals are now up to four a week (although kids only are required to come to two).  Combined with giving and getting private lessons, preparing for my choirs, and getting ready to continue more advanced music study next year at the U, my free time is wonderfully full of things that make me happy.

But of course something had to go to make room for this.  

With the first freeze, the garden took care of itself--that work is over, and next spring will entail a very conservative planting, which may even include some grass.  

Perhaps more shocking, as of Saturday I am now no longer murderous or an owner of any chickens at all.

I also had to let go of most of my volunteer time at the kid's school, so I can earn a little on the side and keep my home in better order.  

And obviously, I'm writing a whole lot less.  That's a sad one, and I hope to squeeze it in more.  

Like gardening, music often involves my children, or at least doesn't require me leaving them (even if sometimes they tell me to get off the piano so they can practice or my little ones tell me to quit being so loud--just the opposite of what my teacher says ;)  and my UCA rehearsals and performances (four this week total!) are later in the evening, so not too hard on the parenting.

The family is doing well, Ben and Sophie are both doing well in school, Tae Kwon Do and piano.  Noah and Lucy seem to be enjoying life.  David is my favorite thing, so I'm glad he lives here.  I love being home.  

It's strange that in all of this I still struggle so hard to find hope and act charitable--the more weighty purposes in life.  I've really noticed the connection between hope and charity lately--it's almost impossible to have the latter without the former.  It's always been tricky for me to keep my head straight and not get discouraged about things--not just my own things, but other people's struggles, state-of-the world things.  

This week I discovered that when we are told to put on the full armor of God, the armor that protects the head--the helmet--is the "hope of salvation."  That was quite an epiphany--that hope is the key to keeping my head straight.  I need to remember that. 

But aside from keeping the crazy at bay, all in all things are good.

If you can't join 'em--start your own party

As I said in my last post, I was so excited to get my kids going in the fancy new choir.  But as the moment moved closer to write the check, I started feeling weird about it.  It was so much money, and I felt anxious as I thought about that and the "performance parent" chaos that would replace my peaceful, quiet holiday season--they have tons of performances.


We decided to nix it, and glad I did, as I found out from a friend that there were a lot of additional fees and charges I didn't know about--it would have amounted to another $260 a month!  So that was a good call.


Then, as I told my friend Melonee about it, she recommended I just have my own children's choir--for parents like us who don't have tons of expendable income or time to run around to tons of performances, but still want a fancy classical musical education for our kids.  I have some great curriculum materials and felt I could still give my kids what I wanted for them, I just needed some more kids to round it out.  Plus I had just told Melonee I wanted to take on a few more voice students anyway, so it all came together.


So I spent a couple hours the other night to pop up a website and get the materials together.  We'll practice in my home for now, at the church if they will allow it and we grow too much, and the school has given me permission (and a piano!) to have rehearsals there after school.  It should be really fun, and although we'll still perform, it won't be a crazy schedule (and always on my terms).  :)


So, that's what I'm doing these days.

Prep for Christmas starts this coming Wednesday--German, Latin, and Kodaly ear training to boot. Should be fun! Please pass along the info to anyone in the area who may be interested.

www.veritaschildrenschoir.org

Veritas Children's Choir of Utah

www.veritaschildrenschoir.org

Veritas Children's Choir was created to provide an affordable, quality musical foundation to children ages 8-15* in Davis County and the greater Salt Lake City area. A wide range of exciting repertoire, formal Kodaly training and upbeat instruction help young singers learn to sing naturally while th...

If Music Be the Food of Love: Managing the Mundane

It's been a month since school began, and the family continues to both embrace and resist the structure and schedule in a kind of awkward dance.  (Everyone but David, of course, who only embraces it.)    I have decided to stay at the school while the children are there four days a week--helping to correct papers and cover incidental needs, subbing as needed.  School is only 8-12 and runs very conservatively on staff and budget, so they need the help.  I also watch a little six-week old boy while his mother does a fantastic job of teaching math and science to the upper grades. They have helped our family so much, I'm glad to be useful for once.

But on a more selfish note, it has forced more structure into my own life.  I can bring my computer in, write, deal with family business, and take care of things in between the times I'm needed.  That keeps me off the computer in the after-school hours where my attention really needs to be on house and home and parenting. 

That is the rough part, when the structure ends.  That daily grind where roses are supposed to be blooming beneath my feet with all that love at home.  However, I too often fail to see any. 

The past several weeks have led me to much thinking about how to manage the mundane--the stuff that 99.9% of life is made of.  I have spent so much energy trying to avoid it, by living in the future (or the past, or on the internet) distracting myself with other possibilities that would surely be much more interesting.  The perennial motherly temptations of something more meaningful or important--which of course do not exist. Conference was such a blessing, and as I listened with these things in mind, I heard a lot about simplicity and how to find joy in the everyday.  I've been really struggling to bring the promptings and inspiration I received in those two days into the reality of my post-conference life.

But even before conference, I had consciously come to (what seems now) an obvious conclusion.  I struggled with the same questions many do: How would I survive the crushing weight of my own thoughts when life would now be comprised almost entirely of menial tasks?  How would I stay engaged and not allow myself to be distracted or discontent with my terribly uncool reality?

Easy--I just needed a cooler soundtrack. 

The obvious next step was with Pandora--in my mind, the greatest invention the world has ever known.  Constant, free, almost ad-free internet radio completely customized to myself?  Yes, please.  Bored with the endless cycle of dishes?  The Postal Service station is the answer--because now I'm a sassy indie hipster finding only slightly pretentious beauty in the everyday things.  Feeling a little blue and don't want to be cheered up?  Definitely the Patty Griffin station--where the despair can become accepting and transcendent instead of dragging me into a dark place.  Chores with the kids?  Twist and Shout radio seems to get them going pretty well.

Generally, I don't use music to feel better when I'm down or to change how I'm feeling, but to help me feel how I'm feeling in a more beautiful way. Whatever the emotion, however uncomfortable or painful--music seems to color it in a way that enhances the inherent value of the human experience.

Making music, for me, is even more powerful.  I was so grateful recently to get into the Utah Chamber Artists, who are argued by many musicians to be one of the finest vocal groups in the state.  I am overwhelmed by my emotional response to creating this music.  I guess I'm just a rookie, but I'm still having to hide tears during rehearsals just from the beauty of it all.  

And, instead of just carelessly pounding my way through primary like a muppet (I'm the pianist), the upcoming program (and lots of fancy piano arrangements) are requiring me to practice every day--and I am noticing that practicing time resets my emotions in a very positive way (often needed after helping my own children practice their piano).

On that topic, I feel the same effect on my children.  At the risk of overscheduling them, I have just given in to their requests to join a children's choir--and my generally whiny, negative, squabbling older children turn into happy, laughing buddies for hours after coming home (plus this great choir often gets to sing for amazing people like the Dalai Lama, visiting dignitaries, church leaders, etc.)  They are playing the piano in their free time and finding joy in what they can do now (thanks to the most amazing piano teacher--ask me if you need one!)  They come to my concerts and actually enjoy them--not openly weeping like their sissy mother, though, not yet anyway.

So, whatever other things I need to understand to enjoy the practice of daily living, music, for now, is making all the difference.  It doesn't make me a better parent, but it is just a bit harder to yell at them over Pandora.

pics

Despite the bee concerns, it seems every flower in the garden has a bee in it. This is a round zucchini plant, yummy for slicing and frying or for stuffing.

Children in the Corn: here's Noah, but this pic is a few weeks old, the corn is much bigger now.

This is about a standard harvest every 3 days, in order L to R: Italian striped zucchini, round zucchini, hot peppers, yellow squash, cucumbers, lettuce, chard, red potatoes.

Here's that pie I made way back when we picked the cherries

Ben, tie and pie.
The farm business really does help the kids learn to work--here they are shelling peas--they did a great job harvesting green beans on Saturday (about 4 gallons--my aunt picked the same amount last Saturday, and they are supposed to have a second batch of beans come on before the season ends.

Here is our stew pickings we foraged for on that Sunday a few weeks back, and below, the stew.

Yesterday our friends the Mosses came over for dinner. Carrie and I picked green beans, zucchini, yellow squash, basil, onion and potatoes and then came in and had pork chops (David's contribution), smashed red potatoes, a zucchini/yellow squash/basil/onion/tomato stir fry, fresh white nectarines and creamed green beans. We never eat like that for some reason, it was truly amazing--and except for the pork, all from the garden. Next year it will be al of it, because David and two neighbor men are going to raise pigs. Hm. Oh, to hear one of my favorite songs ever, just go over and visit the Mosses blog.

Things are great--enjoying work, went to the gym every day during lunch, kids doing ok--I think a little unsettled again going from the week together camping to having everyone back to work.

I'm scheming and dreaming as usual, focusing on the goals I want to reach before 40 (3.5 years away), but the schemes are now ridiculous enough I can't even blog about them. :) I like aiming absurdly high--it's exhilarating.

Tomorrow is the day all our major financial stress is supposed to end--everyone gets paid and the budget from here on out is positive--that's definitely exciting, although it does sound like famous last words, doesn't it?

Family night tip of the week--wow, we see so much better results if we have FHE during dinner! Everyone is quiet (eating), and relatively listening. Our last FHE was the first one I can recall where we actually felt the Spirit and things went like they are "supposed to." Ben gave the lesson--it was just great.


I'm nervous for school starting--four kids in four different places--the homework thing. We're starting some music lessons and sports on top of everything. But, I'm trying to prepare and live in the now. Still haven't nailed down a school for Noah, but everyone else is pretty much taken care of.


Despite the FISA and the retarded Cap-n-Trade plan my Obama shares with McCain, he's still my favorite. I realized when I got mad about FISA and took him off my blog some thought he no longer had my vote. 'Tis not so, I'm still reading heavily on it all, and I guess he can't please me on everything.


David taught Gospel Doctrine today and topic was war--he did such a great job. I thought it would be more touchy than it was, but he was able to make some good, scripturally-based bipartisan points. There were a few wacky comments, but overall it was a great meeting and everyone gave great feedback. I realized today that on the days I don't have to play for primary I enjoy the ward and church better. I'm grateful that it is an alternating week schedule, because I also like playing piano.

Tonight I finished my very first hymn arrangement--a duet of "In Humility" (272). My cousin wanted to sing it together in church and I've never seen an arrangement of it. I am so happy with how it turned out! Turns out it probably doesn't have arrangements around because that particular song doesn't allow stuff like that without permission. I just may send it in and ask for permission to post it free on the web, however, I don't feel bad just using it for one Sac. Mtg. It was very rewarding and educational for me.


Sorry this is random. Anyway, hope you enjoyed the pics I've been promising for so long.

xoxox