I'm on a roll!

Two Sundays in a row--success is imminent! We continue plugging away through this particularly grueling time of our lives.  Five weeks left.  Today I taught a lesson on Gratitude in Relief Society, and David heard the same lesson in priesthood.  We both came away renewed and more committed to be humble and accept the Lord's plan and timeline.  A good thing we go to church each week, that's about how often we need reminding.

I planned my lesson and went with the flow of the discussion, and came away learning things I didn't fully understand going in.  Through our talking, we realized that gratitude is really a principle of trust in God.  Life is by it's nature hard, and hard isn't bad, it's the point.  The only thing we can expect in life is that He will make it all come together for our good. I've seen that happen enough to know it's true.

I also learned that gratitude is a principle that unlocks the heavens in a way that's beyond just cheering us up because of positive thinking--it allows the Lord to bless us in ways he can't if we aren't in a grateful mindset--it literally allows us to see the hand of God, and is the key to true joy in this life.  It's not just, "I know, I should be grateful, but things are too lame." It's really searching for God in daily life, which in turn makes it easier to find Him, which in turn allows Him to have an even greater influence. It's really an amazing root principle.

I also learned something about complaining.  We live in a culture where if bad things happen, we have a "right" to complain and be upset about it--indignant.  The difference between sharing our troubles with a friend and complaining is pride and ingratitude. When we are affronted by our trials rather than humbled by them, it shows that, like Laman and Lemuel, we murmur because we know not the dealings of God.  I've really recommitted to avoiding complaining, I really feel it limits the ability for God to work in my life.  

Funny how you can "teach" a lesson and come out with things that were completely not on the radar. That calling has been a great blessing to me.

Thanks to a gift certificate from David's parents, their willingness to babysit and a miraculous 4-hour window David had in his insanely unsustainable study/work schedule after returning from out of town, I got my first date of the year last night, to celebrate our 18th anniversary this week. Wow, we are so old--I can't see how this happened. For such avid daters, we have really missed it.  But it's true that I appreciated it more since it is so hard to come by these days.

Other events of the week,—my Children's Choir is moving over to the new Centerpoint Legacy Theater in February and out of my house. I finally decided which program I should do at the U and am applying this weekend for next fall (second Bachelor, Music Education - Choral).  Report cards came in this week and Ben and Sophie are doing well. Ben had a fabulous time on the Klondike overnighter and managed to stay warm, went cross country skiing for the first time, came home happy, exhausted, and sun kissed.

I'm really starting to see with Ben and Sophie that I have prepubescent timebombs on my hands if I don't really start focusing in on their changing needs.  After years of just making sure everyone gets meals and clothes, spiritual fundamentals, protection from obvious dangers and sufficient hugs, I can sense a shift in my parenting stage that I'm trying to be more prepared to handle.  A lot more practical application of all this preparatory stuff coming up fast.

Pressing forward and counting down . . . .

2011 - Let's do this!

I'm only two Sundays behind on the new year's resolution to blog on Sundays! Yay, me! I've decided I've been subconsciously paralyzed in my blogging by the fact that both my husband and yes, my 11YO son, now have my blog in their readers. I'm just going to push past it and expect the barrage of teasing (DH) and questions (DS) to begin.

In sum, we have had all sorts of trauma, trials and plagues, evil enslaving pharaohs, miracles and sea-partings, and we're still in the wilderness wandering, we hope, toward our promised land.  Probably just like you. 

My painfully private husband has had to go pretty public with his current preparations to take the Utah Bar, in part because we needed prayers (and still do, keep 'em coming).  He also is still working, which adds up to 18 hour days.  He now lives in a cave downstairs where I take his meals when my watch alarm goes off thrice a day, then I sneak out quickly. Only Words With Friends keeps us connected (iPhone Scrabble).  

We are almost in the middle of our 11-week ordeal right now, thus the radio silence--we were burned out and exhausted within the first week thanks to a perfect storm of Bar application demands and Christmas. I'm sad to say I kind of missed Christmas this year--I went through all the motions to try to make it fun for the kids but the stress levels were so high. As I took down the tree, I had that relieved feeling of checking off a big box, which really is sad. Next year, hopefully, I'll internalize a little more Christmas.  

So, David takes the test on my birthday, 2/22 and 2/23, and at this point, everything revolves around that. 

In my relatively single-mom state, I still have much to do, both to bring in additional needed income and to keep the family going. The Children's Choir is going wonderfully, I am enjoying it so much and hoping to expand it this year. I wanted to keep it very inexpensive, and I end up putting most of the money back into the choir anyway, so it is much more hobby than job, but it is very fulfilling and I hope to be doing it for years to come.  

I'm also applying to the U to start more music study in the fall. I keep telling the Lord it is not a good time but keep feeling like I need to move the process forward.  Our AMAZING piano teacher  is a great example to me, as she also has kids, just finished her Bachelor of Music and is going back for her Masters.  

The Utah Chamber Artists will be back in session at the end of the month, with our Winter concert happening just after the Bar. I LOVE being part of the UCA, it is a huge blessing in my life.    

The rest of my time that I'm not preparing or cleaning up meals or taskmastering the homework/chores/piano daily drill, I'm working on marketing jobs to pay the bills.

Benjamin is just plugging away at life, getting ready to progress to his Deputy Black Belt III in Tae Kwon Do, enjoying scouts and technology class and really excelling at piano as he prepares for AIM reviews in March.  It's a pleasure to hear him play, unless it is 6:30 a.m., but some days that's what has to happen to get those five days in--our teacher is very strict on that!  He's excited to start taking a C++ programming class at school and dutifully goes out and shovels the driveway at the crack of dawn anytime it snows--without a single request.   On a busy night, I can just say, "Ben, can you take care of dinner?" And he'll jump to it, providing a great meal, vegetable included, a well-set table and sometimes even a decent cleanup job, too.  

Sophie is enjoying school, piano and choir, and is still in Tae Kwon Do and progressing quickly, although her attention wanders often and now she wants to go back to gymnastics and try out for a community play of Annie. We're in a contract for TKD through the summer and I really want her to get to black belt before quitting, but we'll deal with it when we get there. She is really starting to enjoy cooking, too, and can make several things independently.  She is very good at math and seems to be enjoying Latin at school also. My mom is teaching her to sew and she made her very own Christmas stocking with a great deal of appliquéd work. Overall she seems pretty happy these days.

I'm so grateful for Capitol Hill Academy--what a great find that was.  That on its own may be why we are supposed to stay here in Utah--we still aren't really sure why, but we feel it's the right thing for now.

So it may seem strange that I actually ended up pulling Noah from the CHA 3-day kindergarten this month and just kept him in his afternoon public school kindergarten program. But, it saves us a third tuition payment, and we still plan to send him next year.  He loves it, and is such a fun, mischievous little squirt and still has the kissiest fat cheeks.  He is begging to go back to gymnastics too, and hopefully we'll be able to do that soon. His reading is coming along nicely and, when they are not fighting, he is best friends with Lucy and can be so considerate of her.  

Lucy is a sweet little partner to my days. She's so observant and constantly comments on what we're doing (and my own inconsistencies) in such a remarkable way. Yes, I'm not yet 40, but she already feels like the comfort of my old age. She's not doing any extra-curriculars these days, although she also dresses in her "monkeynastics" clothes often and begs to be taken, which again I hope to do again soon.  Oh yes, I added a 5-7 music class to the choir for them and some of their friends and it's so much fun, so she has that. I'm trying to remember all the fun things I did when Ben and Sophie were where Noah and Lucy are now, I want to give them a taste of that pre-burned out mommy era.

This has been a rough few months, and we are facing at least three more rocky ones ahead. I'm frankly very tired.  Some of you are not going to believe me when I say this, but I very much would like less drama in my life. Or at least, I would like the drama I bring into it myself, like the choirs and kids and music study, but less of all the other stuff.  But that's not how life works, and apparently I came for experience and am getting it. 

Today I was preparing for my lesson next week on the prophet's talk on Gratitude and was struck when he said gratitude was the key to the windows of heaven. I realized that complaining really limits the Lord's hand in my life, no matter how much I may feel I have to complain about, and it's becoming easier to see how amazingly blessed I really am.  It has been interesting in past weeks to see so clearly the hand of the Lord working miracles in our lives, and although our long-term requests still need to wait on the Lord's timeline, it has been such a comfort to see Him so close. When I am grumpy and make a concerted effort to count blessings, it really is an instantaneous transformation.  There are people in the direst of circumstances who have tapped into the divine power of gratitude, so in my warm home full of kids and food and clothes and the gospel, I should be able to do no less.

I was recently reminded by Chantelle in the UK about a post I did a while ago on gratitude, where I said that I'd specifically told the Lord, "Don't change my attitude, change my crappy situation!" and He went ahead and changed my attitude anyway, because apparently He felt that was the crappy situation. If it's going to be the way it's going to be, why not be happier? It's just a constant effort. And, since gratitude was the keynote issue of the prophet in this last conference, trying to "follow the prophet" these days really takes some work on the inside. But that's always the case when trying to follow Christ--just who knew that "becoming a new creature" process really is as painful as it looks in the werewolf movies!

Well, next Sunday should be shorter now we're all caught up, and I have several pics I need to upload from the phone, so forgive the long, pic-free post.

Love to all.

Valerie

BREAKING NEWS! I’ve ARRIVED!

You can imagine the surprise I felt just about a week ago, when I realized that, according to myself at 12 years old, I have officially arrived in the life I always imagined I’d have.

Granted, the 12-year old me, when imagining that glorious future self, wouldn’t have thought to be more specific about whether we rented or owned, where our money went each month, or whether the 3-year old was potty trained. In her hazy vision, she likely didn’t look too closely at how dirty the floor was.

But if she were to see me now (and I were to wear tight jeans and suck in really hard) she would probably think I’d done it.

I am married, I have had all my children, with a tidy two boys and two girls. I have a calling in the church, now actually do my visiting teaching each month and have FHE each week and my husband is in the Elder’s Quorum presidency (so apparently our family’s many sins are either forgiven or well hidden).

I now can pass as almost a stay-at-home mother (except for the part where I leave for five hours every morning), my corn is almost 10’ tall (to distract from the tangle of weeds below), I put up tomato sauce last week and one of my hens hatched 12 chicks. In essence, the dream of 1984 has been realized.

This is it. The jobs we have and the house we rent and the ward we live in now are all likely to be the same jobs, house, and ward we have five years from now. This is my life.

Acceptance is a painful relief. To want nothing more than one has—to see mainly the blessings and give little thought to what is lacking—it is such a gift. For me, it’s sometimes a gift that must be forcibly pulled down from the heavens sometimes.

In my heart (not my head) I secretly thought life would start when specific job, financial or health burdens were lifted, and that as long as they were not lifted, I was sure it really wouldn’t be living at all.

But it is.

This past summer, I pridefully prayed that the Lord solve the problem, not just make me feel better about the problems. Apparently, he thought my attitude about my problems was the problem that most needed solving, and that’s the prayer He answered.

The other day I read, “Adversity is like a strong wind. I don’t mean just that it holds us back from places we might otherwise go. It also tears away from us all but the things that cannot be torn, so that afterward we see ourselves as we really are, and not merely as we might like to be.” (Memoirs of a Geisha, p. 348)

For those of us who are inclined to live in the future, and have spent most of life anticipating the moment when a certain struggle or crisis would pass, it’s a big step to be able to say—complete with the burdens and crises—this is my life.

So, I’ve arrived!

What’s next?

A Good Day

Today I found out that my work is changing insurance providers in January to Aetna, which will have better coverage, so I am switching my surgery date to be in January to save myself some money.

My boss told me I could start my new schedule on Monday (8-12:30 everyday except Tuesday 8-6).

I was also really wanting something I thought was important but I couldn't figure out how to pay for it, but then a way to pay for it magically fell out of the sky, so I decided God wanted me to have it.

Also the Christmas cards came in at work, which I and a designer I work with were assigned to this year (one writer and one designer is assigned each Christmas). Anyway, we got lots of kudos from the company because it is unique and fun. I'll try to put it on the blog here if I can.

I was really productive today at work and then finally, just before I left, I found out that a guy I work with has been asked to contribute to a monthly industry publication because the publication likes how "his" blog "reads" and they love "his" style. As the real writer of his blog, this technically means I just got a gig writing in a monthly publication. No extra money, no extra credit (except from my boss, who always leaps up and has me wiggle fingers with him anytime I score like this), but still it was cool.

David's gone, but I've been given the ok to come and go as needed this week at work and just make up my time at home. So, we should be good.

David had an appearance in court this morning before he left, and even though the judge was set on giving his client the max, the judge did concede a point that David made (although he went ahead and ignored it for sentencing) and this made David feel like at least he accomplished something. He also wrote a brief for another attorney that was well received, so he's feeling good, although you can't tell because of the ever-present, thick layer of grumpiness my husband wears. I grounded him from the house for a few days for excessive grumpiness, but I fear it didn't have a deterrent effect since he was already traveling... either way, the net result is that I can love my husband from afar with less grumpiness in the house for the next few days.

So, a good day.

How not to rant

Here are 14 very interesting comments about the government socializing our banks. 

 

See, we can't afford nationalized healthcare, we can't afford nationalized education (I'm not really for that anyway), but, it turns out, we CAN afford nationalized trillion-dollar banks. Who knew?

 

So I'm just passing on various thoughts of other people, some of which I agree with.  The last one was very interesting, and at first I didn't know if I agreed:

 

 Perhaps our country is too concerned about having a growth economy. We are obsessed with the notion of having more everything including money but, do we really need it? I think both our planet and ourselves would benefit from a zero growth economy. Perhaps now is a good time to learn to make that work and consider what we can do to reduce our patterns of consumption.

To be ambitious to expand self development, learning, love, kindness, spiritual knowledge, connection to God, charity--now what kind of world would it be if we only sought to expand those things we can actually take with us? 

 

It made me think of the wonderful lyrics of "Simple Gifts," that teaches a principle this year's garden has really brought home to me:

 

 

 

'Tis the gift to be simple, 'tis the gift to be free,

'Tis the gift to come down where we ought to be,

And when we find ourselves in the place just right,

'Twill be in the valley of love and delight.

When true simplicity is gain'd,

To bow and to bend we shan't be asham'd,

To turn, turn will be our delight,

Till by turning, turning we come round right.

 

 

 

Could it be that man's requirement to work the earth by the sweat of his brow demands just the things that get us back to God?  Humility, work, diligence, and being subject to (and working with) cycles of nature. 

 

When true simplicity is gained, to bow and to bend we shan't be ashamed.

My little princess is two!

Can you believe it has been two years since that crazy whirlwind move/birth/hospital commute? Remember the days of Carepages, which turned into my family journal email and then succumbed to the blogosphere? It seems like another lifetime ago.

Check out Lucy's beginnings HERE. I keep meaning to order the Carepage book so we have a hard copy--hopefully I'll do that before civilization collapses.

Anyway, here's a sad reminder of that day (she's holding dad's hand):

She is just a treasure, worth thousands of hospital commutes, but thankfully only required 9 weeks worth. All my thanks to my loving Heavenly Father for this precious gift to our family.

Let's hear it for the boys . . .

Heartfelt warm gratitude goes to spouse David for hauling tons and tons of sod (probably literally) and cousin Mark for tilling all 8 pasture beds tonight after dinner. Yesterday morning I was exhausted with a huge, 3-week job before me, tonight it's done and I'm preparing to plant tomorrow. Not a lot of work for me today, as several Tylenol only made slow movements feasible. Boo hoo, my husband says. But he'll be feeling it tomorrow since he hauled for 6 hours today. I'll show him tomorrow how nice he should have been to me today.



Yay!!

Emails and gratitude

Hi, if you know me, I've lost your email. Send me an email please. The computer is resurrected but the info on it is not yet recovered, and when it is, it will be indecipherable (e.g., File 1, File 2, File 3, etc.). So, I'd like to have your email address. hivalerie at gmail dot com

Today I got in the blackberries, rhubarb and asparagus. I planted it all in the "old garden"--the one that is part of the actual yard of the house, because the slim chance we'll ever own this house is still much fatter than the chance we'll own this house and the pasture alongside.

We had a grand old time with an all-grownup outing with the Mitchells and the Oaks tonight. We went to dinner at the Blue Iguana, and then we were so loud laughing in the Nielsen's Frozen Custard that the teenagers were even looking annoyed. Talk about role reversal. We were making fun of how the young kids of today are recycling all the old stuff, from music to clothes. I complained that silly goth chicks of today look identical to the silly goth chicks of my youth (such as myself).

It is all I can do when I drive by one in my minivan full of screaming children not to roll down the window and yell, "Look at me, heavy-metal girlfriend! This is YOU in 15 years! Ha Ha HA!!"

On a completely unrelated topic, here's my thought for today, in reference to lilacs:

"Gratitude is a Spirit-filled principle. It opens our minds to a universe permeated with the richness of a living God. Through it, we become spiritually aware of the wonder of the smallest things, which gladden our hearts with their messages of God's love. This grateful awareness heightens our sensitivity to divine direction. When we communicate gratitude, we can be filled with the Spirit and connected to those around us and the Lord. Gratitude inspires happiness and carries divine influence."

(Bonnie D. Parkin, "Gratitude: A Path to Happiness," Ensign, May 2007, 35)

Today was a pretty happy day.

PS, All y'alls comments really cheer me up and make me laugh. Thanks!