BREAKING NEWS! I’ve ARRIVED!

You can imagine the surprise I felt just about a week ago, when I realized that, according to myself at 12 years old, I have officially arrived in the life I always imagined I’d have.

Granted, the 12-year old me, when imagining that glorious future self, wouldn’t have thought to be more specific about whether we rented or owned, where our money went each month, or whether the 3-year old was potty trained. In her hazy vision, she likely didn’t look too closely at how dirty the floor was.

But if she were to see me now (and I were to wear tight jeans and suck in really hard) she would probably think I’d done it.

I am married, I have had all my children, with a tidy two boys and two girls. I have a calling in the church, now actually do my visiting teaching each month and have FHE each week and my husband is in the Elder’s Quorum presidency (so apparently our family’s many sins are either forgiven or well hidden).

I now can pass as almost a stay-at-home mother (except for the part where I leave for five hours every morning), my corn is almost 10’ tall (to distract from the tangle of weeds below), I put up tomato sauce last week and one of my hens hatched 12 chicks. In essence, the dream of 1984 has been realized.

This is it. The jobs we have and the house we rent and the ward we live in now are all likely to be the same jobs, house, and ward we have five years from now. This is my life.

Acceptance is a painful relief. To want nothing more than one has—to see mainly the blessings and give little thought to what is lacking—it is such a gift. For me, it’s sometimes a gift that must be forcibly pulled down from the heavens sometimes.

In my heart (not my head) I secretly thought life would start when specific job, financial or health burdens were lifted, and that as long as they were not lifted, I was sure it really wouldn’t be living at all.

But it is.

This past summer, I pridefully prayed that the Lord solve the problem, not just make me feel better about the problems. Apparently, he thought my attitude about my problems was the problem that most needed solving, and that’s the prayer He answered.

The other day I read, “Adversity is like a strong wind. I don’t mean just that it holds us back from places we might otherwise go. It also tears away from us all but the things that cannot be torn, so that afterward we see ourselves as we really are, and not merely as we might like to be.” (Memoirs of a Geisha, p. 348)

For those of us who are inclined to live in the future, and have spent most of life anticipating the moment when a certain struggle or crisis would pass, it’s a big step to be able to say—complete with the burdens and crises—this is my life.

So, I’ve arrived!

What’s next?

I hear that life is good

My husband's work has been really picking up, and here I have a job and stuff. We have this fabulous house and two big gardens, and two kittens and a full hen house. I have a zucchini plant up to my waist. On Saturday I weeded for 4 hours, picked all the cherries (made a pie today), planted carrots and radishes, organic bug-sprayed the grapes and potatoes, and generally farmed.

On Friday I went to a Marketing Department retreat, and we spent the morning learning about our communication styles (mine: apparentely I'm a shapeshifter, whatever works in the moment), and our strengths (mine: Learner, Ideation, Futurist, Relator and Activator--all made-up words that mean I live in my head and in the future, relate to people and love to start stuff). Then we rode horses in a gorgeous canyon for a few hours. I ended the day knowing (and liking) my team quite a bit. Plus, I'm getting in to the actual work part of my job now the training part is wrapping up, so I'm looking forward to my week and know what I'll be doing.

As much as I wanted David to get another job, I realize this job makes it so we don't have to scramble to take care of the kids and house, it pays well (when there's work) and makes him available to do some other things that may be useful to him down the road. It makes it so we can both work without having the kids taken care of by non-parents (except when David is traveling).

But I talked to my pal Lori yesterday and was all, "But what about [whine whine]," and she clearly explained how perfect everything is, and how we're being allowed to have this great lifestyle even though we haven't fixed everything yet, and how now we have this great situation to get everything put together. I left that call totally woken up to how completely ungrateful and unaware I was being--there is clearly a plan.

I'll just say it, judge me, whatever, but I don't miss being at home when I'm at work. I like doing what I'm good at, I don't like doing what I'm bad at. I sometimes lament that what I'm good at has no eternal significance, and what I'm bad at is critical for eternity, but hey, there it is. I love my kids, I love my family. I'm a crap housekeeper and the day to day of homemaking makes me mentally ill. I'm messed that way. Apparently God knows me, I'm His creation after all, and he's arranging my life accordingly for now I guess.

The thing about that "strengths" exercise was there's a place in the "Strengthsfinder" book that explained that it is inefficient to constantly focus on your weaknesses. Sure, you need to bring them up to a level they don't destroy your life or overshadow your strengths, but if you are a natural 2 at something and put a ten effort, you will still be a 20, whereas if you work on the stuff you are a 9 at and try just as hard, you will be a 90. Think Michael Jordan, who was a 10 talent and 10 effort. He tried baseball, and he was no 10 talent, so he couldn't come up with the same result.

The American dream is about overcoming odds and weaknesses, our culture is obsessed with our weaknesses. And we're all about equal opportunity and saying to our kids that they can be anything they want if they try hard enough--but life is so much easier when you try hard enough with something that is already a talent for you. We've said that the Chinese and Russian communist states were oppressive because they take kids who show talent in something at a young age and direct them into that career permanently. Maybe that's extreme, but I also think it is oppressive to spend my life fighting against weaknesses and ignoring my strengths. We all have both, which do you want to spend your life thinking about?