Run faster! Or not.

Mosiah 4:27:And see that all these things are done in wisdom and ^aorder; for it is not requisite that a man should run ^bfaster than he has strength. And again, it is expedient that he should be diligent, that thereby he might win the prize; therefore, all things must be done in order.


Of course this scripture doesn't apply to me, and probably not to you.  We have too much to do. Clearly this scripture was written before the 24-hour stresses of daily modern life evolved and now literally demand that we run, process and accomplish tasks as fast as our computers can—the robots set the pace. What I'm sure the scripture meant was, Do not run faster than the strength:

1. you wish you had
2. you once had, ten, twenty or thirty years ago.
3. you think you should have if only you would try harder
4. you imagine everyone else has
5. you would have if you had less stress and enough money
6. you had in that one instant where you were your strongest ever
7. your kids have
8. your delusional supermom fantasies lead you to believe you have
9. all those inspirational famous people appear to have
10. the robots.

This past week, during a little informal dieting support group I attend, I was told by others that I needed to slow down, take an occasional break, and maybe let up on some of the pressures I put on myself.  It was even suggested that I stop stressing about diet stuff altogether for a little while. My knee-jerk response to this was to wave it off.  I've done lots of things at once, I'm a veteran multi-tasker. After the past ten years of almost constant chaos, upheaval and stress, I can now look death in the face and laugh. Hah!

Plus, if I slowed down, it's possible that any burdens I took off myself would simply be replaced by the guilt of doing so. So, why bother?

But after more thought, I realized that, although trials do make us stronger, I'm at a weak point right now. I get tired, emotionally and physically, more often at this moment in my life, for whatever reason. Perhaps I did need to readjust my expectations. I don't think my schedule is that busy right now, honestly it feels like most of the pressure is actually coming from inside my own head (be better, faster, stronger!), but let's take a look.

My list probably looks a lot like most people's in my stage of life.  If I do everything I'm supposed to do in a day, it looks like this:

• Feed people (3x)
• Dishes
• Laundry
• Daily job (M-Kitchen, T-Bathrooms, W-Living Areas, H-Bedrooms, F-Van/yard)
• Scriptures (usually done by audio while multitasking)
• Check Bills/finances
• Prayer (2x+) (usually in the shower--multitasking again)
• Track/plan food
• Kid shuffling: Homework, chores, piano practice, Activity Days, scouts, piano, tae kwon do
• Music Practice: voice (U admission auditions 2/27), learn UCA music, piano proficiency exam prep, children's choir prep
• Exercise
• Kid love: Cuddle and talk with kids, not about homework, chores or piano 
• Husband time 
• Service (VT, temple, trying to listen to the Spirit about who/what needs me, etc.)
• Try to make some money 
• Journal/Write
• Quiet meditation (Hah. This generally doubles as "sleep.")

No surprise, I don't often get to the things toward the bottom of the daily list, the things that make me and my family more happy, sane and less stressed financially.  When I focus on the business of home and family and getting the absolute necessities taken care of, when I finally get to my own shower and am ready to at last get to work on the rest, it's about 11:30 p.m. and I crash. 

Also, if my mind just revolts, and I sit down to rest or think in a quiet place for a minute, which is happening involuntarily more and more these days, there is always something that theoretically should be filling that time. No vacancies in the schedule allowed.

  

I know this is almost a universal problem with women in my place in life. I know we are supposed to simplify, yet my family and home need almost constant attention, I've felt direction from the Lord on the path I'm taking  with music even though that takes time. I just can't see quite where I'm supposed to cut.

Then again, what's not on my list, but takes a ton of my time and mental energy, is fruitless, tail-chasing anxiety, wall-staring panic, and Tetris-playing despair. Somehow, I never book enough time in the day to allow for these time hogs.

President Uchdorf said on this great talk on the subject: 

Let’s be honest; it’s rather easy to be busy. We all can think up a list of tasks that will overwhelm our schedules. Some might even think that their self-worth depends on the length of their to-do list. They flood the open spaces in their time with lists of meetings and minutia—even during times of stress and fatigue. Because they unnecessarily complicate their lives, they often feel increased frustration, diminished joy, and too little sense of meaning in their lives. 

It is said that any virtue when taken to an extreme can become a vice. Overscheduling our days would certainly qualify for this. There comes a point where milestones can become millstones and ambitions, albatrosses around our necks...

...My dear brothers and sisters, we would do well to slow down a little, proceed at the optimum speed for our circumstances, focus on the significant, lift up our eyes, and truly see the things that matter most. Let us be mindful of the foundational precepts our Heavenly Father has given to His children that will establish the basis of a rich and fruitful mortal life with promises of eternal happiness.

In that same talk, President Uchdorf said that our relationships with God, our family, our fellowman, and ourselves, are the top priorities. The first task of the first priority, our relationship with God, was, in fact, quiet meditation, the neglected item at the bottom of my list:

Quietly focusing on daily personal prayer and scripture study...these will be some wise investments of our time and efforts to draw closer to our Heavenly Father. Let us heed the invitation in Psalms: “Be still, and know that I am God.” 

So, as I approach these last two husbandless weeks of bar prep and stress, I am going to make a commitment to myself to a sort of mental/spiritual/physical refocus, not with a longer to-do list, but by making the last first, beginning each day with quiet prayer and study to get inspiration for the day. Maybe that would help me minimize the unscheduled time-hogs (anxiety, panic, despair) by replacing all that paralyzing fear with some faith.  And I think I'll put some kid love time before the kid shuffling time each day.

The Creator of the universe manages everything in order and love, so it only makes sense that as I face my own to-do list each morning, that I consult with Him first. 

Coming Home

I promised myself that when I finally left the workplace to come back home I'd write myself a letter to remember why it was a good thing.  It's so tempting to get back into the noise and mess and wonder why I left the quiet pleasantness and good friends for this chaos. 

It's a sad reality, but I am much better at writing marketing plans than I am mothering and taking care of a house.  (This is why I admire you so much, Carrie.)  I'm not a natural mother--I love my children fiercely, but I don't "get" children in that way some nurturing types do.  Maybe it was my upbringing as an only child and mostly single mother that made me think child rearing would be a lot quieter, and, well, a lot less childish.  It's no secret that being home is much harder work physically, emotionally and spiritually than being at the office. 

It sounds like I'm writing the reasons to not stay at home, but I think it's just the opposite.

There is no wisdom in thinking the path of least resistance is the easiest path, but there is much evidence to the contrary.  There's a great saying used a lot in my Weight Watchers meeting: "Choose your hard."  Being fat is hard, dieting is hard.  Choose the hard you'd rather do. 

As hard as it is to be with the kids, being away from the kids is hard.  For me, it was impossible to work without shutting off some of the little maternal instinct I have. I wasn't parenting the way I had always meant to parent (I know, who does?)

Part of it is probably just my personal psyche--I have a hard time multitasking and shifting gears.  When I'm working my brain stays at work and I have a hard time fully focusing on my home and family.  After being home for a vacation or a long weekend, the reverse is true.  And maybe some moms can shift gears faster and better. 

But for me, I felt unable to prevent compromise on what I wanted my children to be doing and the habits I wanted them to be taught.  And, despite so much argument to the contrary, my children were clearly worse off without even my lame guidance--not just because they pined for me, but because they were left with less guidance and teaching than they needed.  I can see that there was some independence gained, but overall, it wasn't an ideal situation for them.

Just one day home makes it clear how many teaching opportunities come up in a single day--from the gospel to occupational tasks to civics and government back to more gospel principles.  And the complexity and intensity of the forces facing our children as they come of age is mind-boggling—every lesson they can get will be sorely needed.

Yet another set of lessons lost are the ones they teach me--how to master myself, how to control my words, how to not be a huge hypocrite, how to run a household--how to pray into my life the charity I need to accomplish what I came here to earth to do in the first place. 

And not just self-discipline, but the accidental lessons learned while watching and listening to my children. Their little spirits just amaze me--and there's no saying that just because I got here 30 years earlier I am so much wiser. (Yet, even with this knowledge, I'm perfectly willing to practice the grown-up double standard far too often.)

Also, in the past week at home, even though I've been working more than I ever did at the office, I've been able to hear so many great conversations that have helped my love for my children grow in a way that makes it easier to be a parent.  It's difficult when we only see each other tired and cranky at the end of the day to build what has so quickly begun to regenerate after only two weeks.

I've learned that when Noah refers to any extreme of distance he will use the word "tippy"—as in, "the very tippy bottom," the "tippy back of the shelf."  Ben and Sophie both need hugs and physical attention every day, several times a day, to help him feel grounded and safe, and I hadn't noticed that.  Lucy has a rare but hysterical giggle. 

Yesterday in the car, Sophie, Noah and Lucy were planning how they were going to play in the backyard playhouse when they got home--who wanted to be the mom, the baby, and the mayor, and that the mayor had dibs on the stroller this time.  Obviously all of these roles are critical when playing house.  It made me laugh--and sadly, I don't often laugh with my kids.

Working for those two years was not a mistake--I was led to that decision and led to that fantastic job and we were able to quickly solve some difficult problems, but the moment it was time to come home, I felt it. 

When your time is spent primarily on any one thing, things that interfere with that primary focus are distractions, a nuisance, and a frustration.  When your life is work, other personal projects (a blog!) or even an obsession with a personal problem, the children become the bother.  I wrote a whole essay about this some time ago, but how can I can be expected to actually remember past life lessons more than five minutes?

At the same time, I have a very hard time just sitting down and staring at my children or doing kid things.  I didn't do a lot of being a kid as a kid, so it feels very forced. However, even with my motherhood-impaired temperament, what I learned when we first moved to our little "farm" is that the slower, "old-fashioned" life can be lived alongside children rather than in spite of them, that I can enjoy what I'm doing and my children at the same time while teaching them important things.

I'm anxious to return to—and re-learn—that life, and spend less time actively teaching myself the latest marketing strategies and more time passively letting life (the Lord) teach me.  Everything is so full of lessons.

So, future self, when you want to run to the quiet safety of an office, run to the garden, kids in tow, and let the chaos escape into the open air.

As a hen gathers her chickens

I promise, I won't always be about the chicken thing, but here's an interesting thing I've learned.  

If you have read Isaiah at all, and/or the Book of Mormon, it is almost impossible not to look at a mother hen and wonder what the Lord meant when He said He would gather us as a hen gathers her chickens under her wings.  


She literally puts them under her wings.  I mean, I picked her up to count the chicks and make sure none were missing (one ran off and actually spent a whole night outside the coop alone because I didn't check under her the night before).  And--there were only two chicks under her, yet the hen's body was peeping.  No chicks falling out--the other two were all tucked up inside there.

Mama hen fluffs herself out huge in order to cover them and protect them--she guides with clucking and wings and, at the slightest danger (which means me), she rustles them back to safety, which often means under herself.  


Such a nurturing image--a very engaged, concerned parent protecting the child both physically and with constant direction and teaching.  God is quite a poet.

California Dreamin'

How many blog posts do you think have that title? My guess is quite a few.

Well, I had a fabulous trip to California. My time with Doris (as discussed below) was precious and too rare. The funeral was bittersweet, but more sweet than bitter, with good memories and many old and dear friends like Di and Megan. I got to sing with my dear friend Michele, whose daughter Addy was with Ben in those wonderful three years with Nancy as a primary teacher.

We played a lot, did Chuck E Cheese with sweet Shauna, saw Tasha and Yuka's beautiful new (and both long awaited for) little baby girls. I smelled the ocean air from the Getty hilltop, I gazed up at the Pasadena mountains from the park bench at Lacy Park, I smelled the oranges in the groves at the Arboretum. I ate yummy cottage cheese pancakes with my good friends the Chamberlains on a sunny Sunday morning. I enjoyed the company of my bro and sis in law in Vegas while driving to and fro.

In my mind I saw a 2-year old Ben swinging at Hamilton Park as I watched my big 10-year old sat swinging intently in the same swing in just the same way. I drove by the house where Noah was born, by the hospital where Sophie and Eden were born, by the townhouse we brought the tiny 5-lb Lucy home to and by the one home I ever owned. I was taught yet another major life lesson by Patti Jones--not the first time, hopefully not the last.

At 37, a third of my life was spent in SoCal, and probably two thirds of my life's lessons thus far. Time and place hold such significance for us nostalgic types. At the same time, I am very aware of how hard it was to live there on many levels, and a brief visit in the glory of January is not an accurate picture of things. I did have moments on this visit where I thought, "This is the place of my undoing"--there were some ridiculously difficult times. Still, I just hold a lot of room in my heart for the people and places down there.

Now I'm home, and working full time this week to make up the lost hours. I am lucky to have a good job that I enjoy and people I enjoy working with, and most of the work I don't mind so much either. But I do feel an increasing pull back home and see things in my family that make it clear this can't go on forever.

I went to the temple last night because I was feeling a little bummed. Although I was exhausted from the trip and could hardly stay awake I still had a distinct impression that I was to lift up my head and rejoice and love the Lord for all He's done for me. I feel God is working in me to help make changes I've been unable to make on my own, and I feel a quieter, more peaceful feeling than I've felt in a long time.

Fall 09

White turkeys are the ones generally sold commercially. I meant to take a picture of both the bronze and whites before, but I just have a white before and a bronze after.

And After II (yes, we cook our turkey's upside down, it's part of a very elaborate turkey roasting ritual my husband carries out):

Our white hens that we got last year still lay wonderfully--one big fat white egg a day usually. But, I'm down to 6 now. I had them loose for much of the summer and I guess I lost two to predators.

Cute lucy on the tree ladder.

Lucy and Noah in the back yard.

Mother hen (used to be the rooster I called "sissy chicken") and her 12 chicks out learning how to forage. She is pretty fierce if you get too close, as you can kind of see in this picture. She's a great mother, and she does gather them under her wings, just like the scriptures say God will do for us.
I need to take more pictures of the trees here--it is so gorgeous. Yesterday we got the sod cutter rented again and took out more grass for next year's garden. It seems counterintuitive to follow up my miserable neglected failure of this year with expanded ambitions for next year, but we feel we should try again. The first year was very fulfilling, and we did get some good out of this year's but I was learning how to juggle the work/family/health/garden issues.

Talk about fall, we picked tons of apples yesterday from the neglected tree way back on the property (you have to commando crawl under a fence to get over there, then pass the buckets back over when done). Some of them were so perfect and huge. If we found a wormy one, we threw it to our neighbor's (very grateful) sheep. I have applesauce canning on the agenda this week.

Yesterday I also inventoried my food storage, and I'm not so bad as I thought. We are fervently working on that now. I'll go on record that I think the constant media talk of signs of recovery is just that--talk--and I personally think we haven't yet seen the worst of it. I realize only 20% of economists agree with me on that, though.

I heard a comment in general conference that perfectly summed up what I've been feeling as I've been reading about both the economy and studying the scriptures much more than I have before (funny how well they go together!)

It was D. Todd Christofferson who said, "We cannot presume that the future will resemble the past—that things and patterns we have relied upon economically, politically, socially will remain as they have been."

I think there is a lot of false security thrown about in the name of what has always happened, but real security is in obedience to and trust in God and trying to live by the Spirit.

Creativity--Part of Divine Nature

Thanks, Jocelyn, for this great pass-along…

What a difference six days makes!

I can't believe how much the garden exploded while I was gone! Much thanks to my dear mother for keeping plants and chickens watered and cared for.

I keep promising pictures, they're piling up. I have over 6' corn, squash plants taking over the place, and a tree full of white nectarines almost ready to pick and freeze--a few are perfectly ripe but most are almost there. Tomatoes are just starting--it was two yesterday, six today. You know where this is headed, I have over fifty tomato plants...

Much thanks to Carrie for lining me up with an arsenal of canning jars.

Have super fevered kids the past three days--Noah almost hit 105 today. Looking forward to having health insurance in 20 days.

I am very grateful to a nice family who talked in church today. Sundays bum me out because, unlike life in Pasadena, I don't look forward to going to church at all, and have onery thoughts much too often. I didn't feel well myself today and wanted to stay home with the sick kids, but couldn't find a sub for the primary piano. That was the Lord getting in the way, because this family with five kids under ten with two working parents were truly kindred spirits. They were open about their trials and experiences and reminded me that the Lord loves and guides each of us individually. When we're open with each other about what we're going through, it really helps other people feel less alone. I'm usually the open person, but today I was the "less alone" person.

Not a vegetarian yet,

Valerie

Good Day

I found out there is a brand new county gym just mile or so from my work that charges $20 a month for a membership and includes a pool! I went today and it was pretty easy to do on my lunch hour. I'm excited. I'm not joining until after Jackson, though, since we'll be out for a week. So excited!

Tonight I was on my nightly mosquito massacre (the swamp grass juice was making a mess of my walls and is only good for 36 hours before it reeks), and was thinking about how I went to bed at 1 a.m. and got up early and worked all day, doubled what I'd hoped to accomplish there, and worked out at lunch, came home and hung out with the kids and taught a voice lesson (love it!) and how I physically haven't been feeling so great and that I should be miserable.

Yet, I feel like I could keep going for another four hours (and probably will), and am not sobbing in a pint of ice-cream as generally is my wont. I've been like this all week, and more like this over the past month. It is so curious. It could just be that I have a good job and have hope and enjoy how I spend my time, but I also was reminded of the blessing I received just before I started this job, that I would be given an extra measure of strength and shouldn't underestimate myself. I can definitely witness to the truth of that--I'm a whole new person.

My co-workers were excited about being recipients of my spare zucchinis today. They are nice people. We're all writers and designers and don't need to collaborate much, so everyone just sits with headphones on all day in the dark (there are windows, but no one wants overhead lights because especially the artists need contrast of the screen). But sometimes we chat briefly, and they are all just really good people. Everyone I've met has been surprisingly normal and cool.

Every day I listen to hours of my favorite opera singers, and every day at some point I'm weeping over the gorgeousness of it. But it's ok, because my desk faces the corner. Music is true ecstasy sometimes.

It feels good to be happy, and I know I have the Lord to thank for it. Of course we're supposed to be able to be happy regardless of our circumstances, but for me, a little change in circumstances has made a huge difference.

Plus, my sweet friend Jen's husband passed his dissertation defense this week--even with jerky and unreasonable professors! The Lord truly answers prayers!! Yay Jen, on to NH!

xoxoxo

Harvest has begun!

Thursday the apricot tree was ripe and we picked them all, and the zucchini is coming in with more every day--they are SO good!

Today I thought I had what I needed for stew and got the meat on during church but came home and realized I had no potatoes or carrots. So, the kids and I headed out to the garden to see what we could put in our stew. I checked the russets, but they were tiny, like a kumquat. I went down to the reds, and they were perfect new potatoes, from an inch to three inches. Many of the pea pods were fat and ready to shell, so we set the kids to work on that. We took some of the 2" carrots that aren't even close to done, just so we could say we had carrots. The stew was fabulous. I never had a just-picked potato before and they taste so real and potatoey. It was just heavenly. Pics are coming.

I love work, the garden is great, the kids are happy and things are looking up. It feels so good to do something I am good at for once, and to be making a positive impact on our situation (also for once). I feel confident that we are on the path the Lord has laid out for us to answer our prayers--sometimes I guess the answer isn't always magic fairy dust but hard work. I feel truly happy for the first time in--so long I can't remember.

Oh, I have learned that although I seriously know hardly anyone here, all the women at church seem to know that I am working and some apparently have reached the conclusion that my husband is not working and is "making" me work so he doesn't have to take a job he doesn' t like. Of course they don't know all the details of our situation or that the bishop (let alone the Lord) are fully on board with our plan, but who needs facts when you've got interesting conjecture? It's amusing that people have enough time on their hands to form judgments on people they don't even know. Maybe they should get jobs.

I am honest when I say this doesn't bother me, but it is interesting to juxtapose my role and mega-activity in E.Pas. with my fringe status here. I didn't realize I was such a liberal--I was a conservative in LA., for heaven's sake!

Just wait two weeks when David is assigned to teach on righteous justifications to go to war as stated in the scriptures, where we learn our current foreign policy is expressly forbidden in the BoM. We're going to make a lot of friends with that one.

Today someone asked in Sunday School, "Who are some modern day Corihors?" (an anti-Christ in the Book of Mormon). And the first thing out of someone's mouth was the name of a recent democratic mayor of SLC. Oh BROTHER.

On that note, everyone I've met here thinks global warming is a hoax. Does that mean miles of ice lost off Greenland and the poles is a hoax? Or sea level rise? It's just weird. Sure, it's been politicized and most proposed solutions are ineffective, but just saying it isn't happening? That takes some real guts--or is it faith?

I saw The Dark Knight last night, you just can't go wrong with Batman. It was an action-packed film with lots of ideas to think about in the battle between good and evil. The question is, can you actively attack and conquer evil without meeting it on it's terms and becoming the evil you are fighting in order to win? Is there such a thing as attacking with goodness? In the global spiritual battle of good vs. evil, I'm thinking just being good and teaching good is the only weapon you can use that doesn't require you to take on some evil yourself, you can't actively go out and beat people over the head with goodness and make them good. The end result (of the film) was that the one doing the good thing will look to the world as if they are evil. There are many scriptures saying that will be true in the last days. It's an interesting thing to think about.

How come thinking hard just brings one to more questions? Well, the good news is God is in charge and there for us in a very personal way in this crazy world. We just can't get through this unscathed without Him. This is why the idea that we have a loving Heavenly Father who we can talk to anytime and anywhere is something we proselyte so heavily as a church--none of us are meant to go through this life alone. For that I am SO grateful.

Am I prepared?

I love crazy talk. I love picking through crazy talk and finding the little gems of truth, or of more crazy. It's because my dad was a crazy genius conspiracy theorist--and I mean CRAZY. While still a little kid, I was raised on debates around the four horsemen of Revelations and the identity of the Beast--like it was mother's milk. My dad was always swinging between religious zealot and self-proclaimed apostate prophet. Ah, childhood.

So can I tell you I am all about orthodoxy? It's my form of rebellion.

So, when my sweet friend tells me about a crazy alarmist prophecy email she got, I was all, "send it over, I love that stuff!" By which I mean, good for laughs, nice to see what the crazies are up to.

This one was some quotes in the family journals of a dream a mid-century LDS prophet had, which was alarming but not alarmist, but it was spread heavily with the interpretations and bold tweakings of his grandson, and then added to heavily by the emailer himself. End result? Don't you know, there'll be an inevitable, major war on American soil between the election and inauguration. Didn't see that coming.

First of all, who cares? If you follow the counsel of the prophets to be prepared temporally and spiritually, who cares what happens when? If you read the scriptures at all you know the latter days aren't a picnic, so boo hoo and get your food storage and have Family Home Evening.

Second of all, now we are for sure safe because I put it on my blog, which everyone knows jinxes it, so--no war.

But, the crazy talk did remind me I have an empty water barrel outside that needs filling, and I did forget to do my semi-annual food storage inventory at conference time (because my house was full of Pasadena scouts). So, I guess I'll get on that before the election. Gotta love the crazies.

In closing, something we should be paying attention to, probably more than the crazies:

Gordon B. Hinckley, 2002:

Occasions of this kind pull us up sharply to a realization that life is fragile, peace is fragile, civilization itself is fragile. The economy is particularly vulnerable. We have been counseled again and again concerning self-reliance, concerning debt, concerning thrift. So many of our people are heavily in debt for things that are not entirely necessary. When I was a young man, my father counseled me to build a modest home, sufficient for the needs of my family, and make it beautiful and attractive and pleasant and secure. He counseled me to pay off the mortgage as quickly as I could so that, come what may, there would be a roof over the heads of my wife and children. I was reared on that kind of doctrine. I urge you as members of this Church to get free of debt where possible and to have a little laid aside against a rainy day.

We cannot provide against every contingency. But we can provide against many contingencies. Let the present situation remind us that this we should do.
…

I do not know what the future holds. I do not wish to sound negative, but I wish to remind you of the warnings of scripture and the teachings of the prophets which we have had constantly before us.

I cannot forget the great lesson of Pharaoh's dream of the fat and lean kine and of the full and withered stalks of corn.

I cannot dismiss from my mind the grim warnings of the Lord as set forth in the 24th chapter of Matthew.

I am familiar, as are you, with the declarations of modern revelation that the time will come when the earth will be cleansed and there will be indescribable distress, with weeping and mourning and lamentation (see D&C 112:24).

Now, I do not wish to be an alarmist. I do not wish to be a prophet of doom. I am optimistic. I do not believe the time is here when an all-consuming calamity will overtake us. I earnestly pray that it may not. There is so much of the Lord's work yet to be done. We, and our children after us, must do it.

Let's get to work!

Is the veil in the Left Brain?

I read this interesting article today about a brain scientist who suffered a stroke and lived to tell about it. There is an 18-minute video of her presenting on her experience I found very fascinating. For a minute toward the end I thought it was getting a little froofy for my taste, but then I realized it wasn't really, and I should cut her some slack for being so, well, right-brained about it all. We live in a very left-brained world. I recommend you take a look.

I had some theological wonderings about the experience and wished I had the focus and time to write her a letter and talk about the idea of the doctrine of the restored gospel--that spiritual mastery over the physical self (and not just extinguishing or denying the physical self) is the most powerful form of existence. Rather than discounting the value of the left-brain, we can make that amazing analytical function serve the the creative, unifying focus of the right brain. So, I don't necessarily agree wholeheartedly with her conclusions, but found the whole discussion highly engaging.

And yes, I can very much see how silencing the left-brain "chatter" would bring nirvana. I find my brain-chatter highly annoying and counter productive.

http://well.blogs.nytimes.com/2008/03/13/when-a-brain-scientist-suffers-a-stroke/

Well, I've been in the dirt a lot. My blisters pop and reblister.

I learned the difference between a weed and a tiny potato plant coming up--the hard way of course. There are minute tops of chard and carrots peeking out. I'm hand-shoveling about 1500 sq. feet of new garden in the pasture, because the tractor guy is too busy and I need to break up the sod before we can till (and I have many tall tomato seedlings ready to go in now). I have three weeks before all the planting needs to be done, and I'm on a tight schedule to get soil shoveled, tilled, raked and ammended and seeds/plants planted.

I think I have the wrong ratios in my compost tumbler, so I'm adding more dirt and grass (plenty getting shoveled up in the pasture!) It is theoretically supposed to be done, but really it is just icky. I also found out the grass a friend lent me that I put in there had been chemically treated. Yuck. That could affect the bacteria doing their composting work. I may just start over. Mom gave me the give of 5 big bags of compost, so that is a comfort.

Chickens are so fun! At night I just go into the yard and clap my hands while yelling--"Go to bed! Go to bed!" and they all run in the shed. They have been getting out and going all over the yard--every hour or two we have had to go put them back in. This is due in part to our temporary (shoddy) fencing in the transition space, which I finally fixed up yesterday. But still, chickens everywhere.

Then I realized in the past three days the little ones had learned to "fly" over the fence (the littler the chicken, the higher they can fly--a word used loosely for a chicken). So, Sophie said she saw it this morning and I quit cursing my poor fence mending and went in there with a pair of kitchen shears and cut off half the wing feathers on the right side of every hen (just as the books said to--doesn't hurt, just like clipping your nails--see pictures), and I'll be darned if I didn't have 100% reduction in loose birds today. Everyone happy and confined. Control is such a great thing (although in general, a sense of control over one's life is such a delusion).

The chickens are also getting super fat, fast, especially the fryers--we've only had them a week and it is very noticable. We had lots of rain and everything's green and pretty. We had a fun Memorial day with the Mocks, the Mosses, and maw/paw-in-law over for a BBQ.

I keep committing to updating daily, even if it is short. But I also commit to restarting the diet each morning. They are going equally well. I'm not good at keeping commitments to myself.

My Thoughts on the End of an Era

As I have read so many tributes to Gordon B. Hinckley this past week, and I've thought much about the influence he has had in my life and pondered what defining messages or moments have had the most impact on me. I loved him greatly and had a testimony of his divine calling, one confirmed to me many times over his long tenure. He spoke to us as a region in a simultaneous Stake Conference across Southern California just a few weeks ago, emphasizing loving marriage and family relationships. He looked very small and frail, yet cried out with power in his frustration at the mistreatment of women.

Then, as in so many other conferences where I heard his voice, I marveled at the ridiculous deception that makes him and his fellow associates out to be oppressive, power-hungry ringleaders of blind sheep. That would be a very well-cloaked evil indeed, masked by constant pleadings to be more loving, kinder, respectful, mindful of those around us, renewed in hope and doing good. And, with each message, comes the never-failing witness of the Spirit that this man speaks with Christ, and for Christ, the great Exemplar which the prophet so clearly emulated.

The adversary will do all in his power to sow seeds of doubt, even in the face of reason, to prevent us from hearing the prophet of the Lord, and accepting His prophet's call to simply humbly come unto Christ and be healed. Our enemy seeks to make us take offense when we are asked to set aside selfishness for service. But the prophet speaks truth: that true healing from pain, disappointment, despair or confusion doesn't come from licking my wounds in a circular path dedicated to self-discovery.

Which brings me to the area where I felt the strongest influence from Gordon B. Hinckley. The story is now well known. When young Elder Hinckley was encountering illness, rejection, prejudice and despair early in his mission, his complaints written home were answered with a short letter from his father: “Dear Gordon, I have your recent letter. I have only one suggestion: Forget yourself and go to work.”

Hinckley recalls, "Earlier that morning in our scripture class my companion and I had read these words of the Lord: 'Whosoever will save his life shall lose it; but whosoever shall lose his life for my sake and the gospel’s, the same shall save it' (Mark 8:35).

"Those words of the Master, followed by my father’s letter with his counsel to forget myself and go to work, went into my very being" (from Ensign, July 1987, 7). In describing what happened next, he said: “I got on my knees in that little bedroom … and made a pledge that I would try to give myself unto the Lord.

“The whole world changed. The fog lifted. The sun began to shine in my life. I had a new interest. I saw the beauty of this land. I saw the greatness of the people. … Everything that has happened to me since that’s been good I can trace to that decision made in that little house” (Church News, Sept. 9, 1995, 4).

President Hinckley continued by saying: “You want to be happy? Forget yourself and get lost in this great cause, and bend your efforts to helping people” (in Church News, Sept. 9, 1995, 4).

He said more recently: "The best antidote for worry is work. The best medicine for despair is service. The best cure for weariness is to help someone even more tired."

I was at a recent sacrament meeting in Utah where the speaker explained that when we lose ourselves in the service of Christ, it is easier to find our true self, as there will be more of us to find. This losing myself and forgetting myself in service to Christ is not frantically busying myself with family church duties while secretly holding out for expected payback in the form of my own needed blessings, equal returned attention, or even instant personal fulfillment from a given act of service. It is taking the gospel of Jesus Christ "down, deep into our hearts" as Henry B. Eyring emphasized in the funeral. It is seeking to feel and hold within me the love of my Savior for me through communion with the Father in constant prayer and study. I have then felt this love so naturally translate into a similar love for my fellow travelers in this often hard, sometimes joyous journey.

Each time I review this story of President Hinckley's mission, I am reminded of a phrase in my own patriarchal blessing, which after discussing some talents and blessings I would have from the Lord, follows with the charge: "You should make use of them to further the work of the Lord." The Lord understood I would be tempted to use any abilities for better standing in the world, and reminds me that by losing myself in His work I will, in the end, rejoice that I was not distracted from my true mission on this earth by seeking my own comforts. It would be like being sent on an important business trip, only to miss the purpose of my trip as I stayed in my hotel room, fluffing pillows and making sure the accommodations were comfortable enough. I want to return Home without regrets.

After WWII, when Hinckley decided to end a promising career with the railroad in Denver to return to the employ of the church, he told a friend, "This is the Lord's work, and I feel I would make my best contribution in life, by doing my humble part, to further the cause." This is a sentiment I wish to echo. I would like my tribute to Gordon B. Hinckley's life to be my own covenant with the Lord to try to forget myself and go to work, and to lose myself in Christ and in building his kingdom. Instead of finding myself, to let Him find, shape and transform me.

My self is a hard thing to forget, as it is has become accustomed to so much attention, and I know it will take practice. But I always find when I am serving Jesus Christ, that I have access to much greater ability than my own. As Elder Eyring said at the funeral, "His optimism was justified, not by confidence in his own powers to work things out, but in his great faith that God's powers were in place. "

Thank you, dear President Hinckley, for showing me what is possible when one person simply forgets himself and goes to work for Jesus Christ, and inspiring me to do the same.

"'Til we meet at Jesus' feet."