Run faster! Or not.

Mosiah 4:27:And see that all these things are done in wisdom and ^aorder; for it is not requisite that a man should run ^bfaster than he has strength. And again, it is expedient that he should be diligent, that thereby he might win the prize; therefore, all things must be done in order.


Of course this scripture doesn't apply to me, and probably not to you.  We have too much to do. Clearly this scripture was written before the 24-hour stresses of daily modern life evolved and now literally demand that we run, process and accomplish tasks as fast as our computers can—the robots set the pace. What I'm sure the scripture meant was, Do not run faster than the strength:

1. you wish you had
2. you once had, ten, twenty or thirty years ago.
3. you think you should have if only you would try harder
4. you imagine everyone else has
5. you would have if you had less stress and enough money
6. you had in that one instant where you were your strongest ever
7. your kids have
8. your delusional supermom fantasies lead you to believe you have
9. all those inspirational famous people appear to have
10. the robots.

This past week, during a little informal dieting support group I attend, I was told by others that I needed to slow down, take an occasional break, and maybe let up on some of the pressures I put on myself.  It was even suggested that I stop stressing about diet stuff altogether for a little while. My knee-jerk response to this was to wave it off.  I've done lots of things at once, I'm a veteran multi-tasker. After the past ten years of almost constant chaos, upheaval and stress, I can now look death in the face and laugh. Hah!

Plus, if I slowed down, it's possible that any burdens I took off myself would simply be replaced by the guilt of doing so. So, why bother?

But after more thought, I realized that, although trials do make us stronger, I'm at a weak point right now. I get tired, emotionally and physically, more often at this moment in my life, for whatever reason. Perhaps I did need to readjust my expectations. I don't think my schedule is that busy right now, honestly it feels like most of the pressure is actually coming from inside my own head (be better, faster, stronger!), but let's take a look.

My list probably looks a lot like most people's in my stage of life.  If I do everything I'm supposed to do in a day, it looks like this:

• Feed people (3x)
• Dishes
• Laundry
• Daily job (M-Kitchen, T-Bathrooms, W-Living Areas, H-Bedrooms, F-Van/yard)
• Scriptures (usually done by audio while multitasking)
• Check Bills/finances
• Prayer (2x+) (usually in the shower--multitasking again)
• Track/plan food
• Kid shuffling: Homework, chores, piano practice, Activity Days, scouts, piano, tae kwon do
• Music Practice: voice (U admission auditions 2/27), learn UCA music, piano proficiency exam prep, children's choir prep
• Exercise
• Kid love: Cuddle and talk with kids, not about homework, chores or piano 
• Husband time 
• Service (VT, temple, trying to listen to the Spirit about who/what needs me, etc.)
• Try to make some money 
• Journal/Write
• Quiet meditation (Hah. This generally doubles as "sleep.")

No surprise, I don't often get to the things toward the bottom of the daily list, the things that make me and my family more happy, sane and less stressed financially.  When I focus on the business of home and family and getting the absolute necessities taken care of, when I finally get to my own shower and am ready to at last get to work on the rest, it's about 11:30 p.m. and I crash. 

Also, if my mind just revolts, and I sit down to rest or think in a quiet place for a minute, which is happening involuntarily more and more these days, there is always something that theoretically should be filling that time. No vacancies in the schedule allowed.

  

I know this is almost a universal problem with women in my place in life. I know we are supposed to simplify, yet my family and home need almost constant attention, I've felt direction from the Lord on the path I'm taking  with music even though that takes time. I just can't see quite where I'm supposed to cut.

Then again, what's not on my list, but takes a ton of my time and mental energy, is fruitless, tail-chasing anxiety, wall-staring panic, and Tetris-playing despair. Somehow, I never book enough time in the day to allow for these time hogs.

President Uchdorf said on this great talk on the subject: 

Let’s be honest; it’s rather easy to be busy. We all can think up a list of tasks that will overwhelm our schedules. Some might even think that their self-worth depends on the length of their to-do list. They flood the open spaces in their time with lists of meetings and minutia—even during times of stress and fatigue. Because they unnecessarily complicate their lives, they often feel increased frustration, diminished joy, and too little sense of meaning in their lives. 

It is said that any virtue when taken to an extreme can become a vice. Overscheduling our days would certainly qualify for this. There comes a point where milestones can become millstones and ambitions, albatrosses around our necks...

...My dear brothers and sisters, we would do well to slow down a little, proceed at the optimum speed for our circumstances, focus on the significant, lift up our eyes, and truly see the things that matter most. Let us be mindful of the foundational precepts our Heavenly Father has given to His children that will establish the basis of a rich and fruitful mortal life with promises of eternal happiness.

In that same talk, President Uchdorf said that our relationships with God, our family, our fellowman, and ourselves, are the top priorities. The first task of the first priority, our relationship with God, was, in fact, quiet meditation, the neglected item at the bottom of my list:

Quietly focusing on daily personal prayer and scripture study...these will be some wise investments of our time and efforts to draw closer to our Heavenly Father. Let us heed the invitation in Psalms: “Be still, and know that I am God.” 

So, as I approach these last two husbandless weeks of bar prep and stress, I am going to make a commitment to myself to a sort of mental/spiritual/physical refocus, not with a longer to-do list, but by making the last first, beginning each day with quiet prayer and study to get inspiration for the day. Maybe that would help me minimize the unscheduled time-hogs (anxiety, panic, despair) by replacing all that paralyzing fear with some faith.  And I think I'll put some kid love time before the kid shuffling time each day.

The Creator of the universe manages everything in order and love, so it only makes sense that as I face my own to-do list each morning, that I consult with Him first. 

I'm on a roll!

Two Sundays in a row--success is imminent! We continue plugging away through this particularly grueling time of our lives.  Five weeks left.  Today I taught a lesson on Gratitude in Relief Society, and David heard the same lesson in priesthood.  We both came away renewed and more committed to be humble and accept the Lord's plan and timeline.  A good thing we go to church each week, that's about how often we need reminding.

I planned my lesson and went with the flow of the discussion, and came away learning things I didn't fully understand going in.  Through our talking, we realized that gratitude is really a principle of trust in God.  Life is by it's nature hard, and hard isn't bad, it's the point.  The only thing we can expect in life is that He will make it all come together for our good. I've seen that happen enough to know it's true.

I also learned that gratitude is a principle that unlocks the heavens in a way that's beyond just cheering us up because of positive thinking--it allows the Lord to bless us in ways he can't if we aren't in a grateful mindset--it literally allows us to see the hand of God, and is the key to true joy in this life.  It's not just, "I know, I should be grateful, but things are too lame." It's really searching for God in daily life, which in turn makes it easier to find Him, which in turn allows Him to have an even greater influence. It's really an amazing root principle.

I also learned something about complaining.  We live in a culture where if bad things happen, we have a "right" to complain and be upset about it--indignant.  The difference between sharing our troubles with a friend and complaining is pride and ingratitude. When we are affronted by our trials rather than humbled by them, it shows that, like Laman and Lemuel, we murmur because we know not the dealings of God.  I've really recommitted to avoiding complaining, I really feel it limits the ability for God to work in my life.  

Funny how you can "teach" a lesson and come out with things that were completely not on the radar. That calling has been a great blessing to me.

Thanks to a gift certificate from David's parents, their willingness to babysit and a miraculous 4-hour window David had in his insanely unsustainable study/work schedule after returning from out of town, I got my first date of the year last night, to celebrate our 18th anniversary this week. Wow, we are so old--I can't see how this happened. For such avid daters, we have really missed it.  But it's true that I appreciated it more since it is so hard to come by these days.

Other events of the week,—my Children's Choir is moving over to the new Centerpoint Legacy Theater in February and out of my house. I finally decided which program I should do at the U and am applying this weekend for next fall (second Bachelor, Music Education - Choral).  Report cards came in this week and Ben and Sophie are doing well. Ben had a fabulous time on the Klondike overnighter and managed to stay warm, went cross country skiing for the first time, came home happy, exhausted, and sun kissed.

I'm really starting to see with Ben and Sophie that I have prepubescent timebombs on my hands if I don't really start focusing in on their changing needs.  After years of just making sure everyone gets meals and clothes, spiritual fundamentals, protection from obvious dangers and sufficient hugs, I can sense a shift in my parenting stage that I'm trying to be more prepared to handle.  A lot more practical application of all this preparatory stuff coming up fast.

Pressing forward and counting down . . . .

Quick Update

Consistent with my recent post, although not altogether intentionally, music really has begun to take over my life.  Utah Chamber Artists rehearsals are back in session, and we perform with the Utah Symphony this coming weekend (tickets still available through Utah Symphony).  Also, the Christmas concert on December 6th is going to be transcendent and fabulous, get your tickets now.

"Christmas with Utah Chamber Artists"

Location:Libby Gardner Concert Hall

Time:7:30PM Monday, December 6th

My new children's choir is doing wonderfully--almost 30 kids already--and we're preparing for Christmas performances that are fast approaching.  Rehearsals are now up to four a week (although kids only are required to come to two).  Combined with giving and getting private lessons, preparing for my choirs, and getting ready to continue more advanced music study next year at the U, my free time is wonderfully full of things that make me happy.

But of course something had to go to make room for this.  

With the first freeze, the garden took care of itself--that work is over, and next spring will entail a very conservative planting, which may even include some grass.  

Perhaps more shocking, as of Saturday I am now no longer murderous or an owner of any chickens at all.

I also had to let go of most of my volunteer time at the kid's school, so I can earn a little on the side and keep my home in better order.  

And obviously, I'm writing a whole lot less.  That's a sad one, and I hope to squeeze it in more.  

Like gardening, music often involves my children, or at least doesn't require me leaving them (even if sometimes they tell me to get off the piano so they can practice or my little ones tell me to quit being so loud--just the opposite of what my teacher says ;)  and my UCA rehearsals and performances (four this week total!) are later in the evening, so not too hard on the parenting.

The family is doing well, Ben and Sophie are both doing well in school, Tae Kwon Do and piano.  Noah and Lucy seem to be enjoying life.  David is my favorite thing, so I'm glad he lives here.  I love being home.  

It's strange that in all of this I still struggle so hard to find hope and act charitable--the more weighty purposes in life.  I've really noticed the connection between hope and charity lately--it's almost impossible to have the latter without the former.  It's always been tricky for me to keep my head straight and not get discouraged about things--not just my own things, but other people's struggles, state-of-the world things.  

This week I discovered that when we are told to put on the full armor of God, the armor that protects the head--the helmet--is the "hope of salvation."  That was quite an epiphany--that hope is the key to keeping my head straight.  I need to remember that. 

But aside from keeping the crazy at bay, all in all things are good.

If you can't join 'em--start your own party

As I said in my last post, I was so excited to get my kids going in the fancy new choir.  But as the moment moved closer to write the check, I started feeling weird about it.  It was so much money, and I felt anxious as I thought about that and the "performance parent" chaos that would replace my peaceful, quiet holiday season--they have tons of performances.


We decided to nix it, and glad I did, as I found out from a friend that there were a lot of additional fees and charges I didn't know about--it would have amounted to another $260 a month!  So that was a good call.


Then, as I told my friend Melonee about it, she recommended I just have my own children's choir--for parents like us who don't have tons of expendable income or time to run around to tons of performances, but still want a fancy classical musical education for our kids.  I have some great curriculum materials and felt I could still give my kids what I wanted for them, I just needed some more kids to round it out.  Plus I had just told Melonee I wanted to take on a few more voice students anyway, so it all came together.


So I spent a couple hours the other night to pop up a website and get the materials together.  We'll practice in my home for now, at the church if they will allow it and we grow too much, and the school has given me permission (and a piano!) to have rehearsals there after school.  It should be really fun, and although we'll still perform, it won't be a crazy schedule (and always on my terms).  :)


So, that's what I'm doing these days.

Prep for Christmas starts this coming Wednesday--German, Latin, and Kodaly ear training to boot. Should be fun! Please pass along the info to anyone in the area who may be interested.

www.veritaschildrenschoir.org

Veritas Children's Choir of Utah

www.veritaschildrenschoir.org

Veritas Children's Choir was created to provide an affordable, quality musical foundation to children ages 8-15* in Davis County and the greater Salt Lake City area. A wide range of exciting repertoire, formal Kodaly training and upbeat instruction help young singers learn to sing naturally while th...

If Music Be the Food of Love: Managing the Mundane

It's been a month since school began, and the family continues to both embrace and resist the structure and schedule in a kind of awkward dance.  (Everyone but David, of course, who only embraces it.)    I have decided to stay at the school while the children are there four days a week--helping to correct papers and cover incidental needs, subbing as needed.  School is only 8-12 and runs very conservatively on staff and budget, so they need the help.  I also watch a little six-week old boy while his mother does a fantastic job of teaching math and science to the upper grades. They have helped our family so much, I'm glad to be useful for once.

But on a more selfish note, it has forced more structure into my own life.  I can bring my computer in, write, deal with family business, and take care of things in between the times I'm needed.  That keeps me off the computer in the after-school hours where my attention really needs to be on house and home and parenting. 

That is the rough part, when the structure ends.  That daily grind where roses are supposed to be blooming beneath my feet with all that love at home.  However, I too often fail to see any. 

The past several weeks have led me to much thinking about how to manage the mundane--the stuff that 99.9% of life is made of.  I have spent so much energy trying to avoid it, by living in the future (or the past, or on the internet) distracting myself with other possibilities that would surely be much more interesting.  The perennial motherly temptations of something more meaningful or important--which of course do not exist. Conference was such a blessing, and as I listened with these things in mind, I heard a lot about simplicity and how to find joy in the everyday.  I've been really struggling to bring the promptings and inspiration I received in those two days into the reality of my post-conference life.

But even before conference, I had consciously come to (what seems now) an obvious conclusion.  I struggled with the same questions many do: How would I survive the crushing weight of my own thoughts when life would now be comprised almost entirely of menial tasks?  How would I stay engaged and not allow myself to be distracted or discontent with my terribly uncool reality?

Easy--I just needed a cooler soundtrack. 

The obvious next step was with Pandora--in my mind, the greatest invention the world has ever known.  Constant, free, almost ad-free internet radio completely customized to myself?  Yes, please.  Bored with the endless cycle of dishes?  The Postal Service station is the answer--because now I'm a sassy indie hipster finding only slightly pretentious beauty in the everyday things.  Feeling a little blue and don't want to be cheered up?  Definitely the Patty Griffin station--where the despair can become accepting and transcendent instead of dragging me into a dark place.  Chores with the kids?  Twist and Shout radio seems to get them going pretty well.

Generally, I don't use music to feel better when I'm down or to change how I'm feeling, but to help me feel how I'm feeling in a more beautiful way. Whatever the emotion, however uncomfortable or painful--music seems to color it in a way that enhances the inherent value of the human experience.

Making music, for me, is even more powerful.  I was so grateful recently to get into the Utah Chamber Artists, who are argued by many musicians to be one of the finest vocal groups in the state.  I am overwhelmed by my emotional response to creating this music.  I guess I'm just a rookie, but I'm still having to hide tears during rehearsals just from the beauty of it all.  

And, instead of just carelessly pounding my way through primary like a muppet (I'm the pianist), the upcoming program (and lots of fancy piano arrangements) are requiring me to practice every day--and I am noticing that practicing time resets my emotions in a very positive way (often needed after helping my own children practice their piano).

On that topic, I feel the same effect on my children.  At the risk of overscheduling them, I have just given in to their requests to join a children's choir--and my generally whiny, negative, squabbling older children turn into happy, laughing buddies for hours after coming home (plus this great choir often gets to sing for amazing people like the Dalai Lama, visiting dignitaries, church leaders, etc.)  They are playing the piano in their free time and finding joy in what they can do now (thanks to the most amazing piano teacher--ask me if you need one!)  They come to my concerts and actually enjoy them--not openly weeping like their sissy mother, though, not yet anyway.

So, whatever other things I need to understand to enjoy the practice of daily living, music, for now, is making all the difference.  It doesn't make me a better parent, but it is just a bit harder to yell at them over Pandora.

Goodbye, Aunt Val

Of course the summer was fun.  How could it not be, jam-packed with field trips, hikes, camp outs and road trips galore, all in the name of "wholesome family recreation."  But some honest introspection as August rolled inevitably on revealed (again) the true motive behind all my MEPAF, POCHAF, "everybody-in-the-car" tendencies--good old fashioned avoidance of my parental responsibilities.

Because when we're out entertaining ourselves, mom Val gives way to fun, carefree Aunt Val--the one that spoils you and takes you cool places and buys (and eats) too many treats and is SO much nicer than that scary, screaming lady back at home.  And why shouldn't she be nice?  There are no dishes to wash, no food to prepare, thanks to the food that so easily flows through the window of the car.  No chore enforcement, no refereeing the constant fights that blow up between under-occupied children.

And you can tell me that's what summer is for, but it all points to something much deeper, because as nights get crisper and schedules and budgets tighten for fall, I feel like cattle out to pasture slowly being nipped, whipped and "Ki-yayed" back into the corral.  And, instead of longing for the comforts of home, I find myself absent-mindedly browsing for jobs (against my own very recent advice).

But no, I really do know better, deep down, and firmly renewed my focus running up to school starting this week.

I prayed, I pondered, I rededicated myself to scripture study, and tried to seek guidance as I prepared the schedule and figured out how to focus myself.  Life presents so many things to do, so many things I want to try and be and see and learn.  And, just a couple years away from completing four decades, I'm only now realizing I won't, can't, shouldn't, couldn't try/be/see/learn it all.  (For years I've resented the sentiment terribly when the kids listen to Lion King and she sings, "There's more to see than can ever be seen, More to do than can ever be done." Oh, shut up--I CAN have it all!)

And of course, half the time all I want to do is nothing anyway, so that really cuts into my options, too.

In the end (still cringing about it) I'm going to end up doing much less than I wanted/planned/hoped, or probably even should, do.

In determining a plan, I finally came to terms with the fact that I'm useless at night and must quit scheduling tasks, especially work and writing, after the kids go down.  The only time I can pull off anything worth reading  that late is when money and a potentially PO'd boss is in the picture.  I am not a morning person, but I also believe that's no reason not to get up early, it just needs to be done.  So there's that.

The strongest, most surprising impression I received in putting together simplified the whole process greatly--and the message was this: ONLY home and family from after school until the kids are in bed.  No multitasking, no computer (except bills and family management--accomplishing things, not browsing or dreaming or house hunting), no outlining work projects in my head, no distractions or preoccupations.  I can run errands, clean, plan, help with homework, piano practice, have the chats that never happen when I'm holed up in my "office" (bed) with my secret crush (laptop).  The people in my house come first.

The fabulous article on slowing down in the Ensign in June 2010 helped inspire this, and I got a great blessing along with the kids right before school started which has helped as well.

So, we're finishing up day two of this concept, and wow, it is a lot easier in many ways.  With all those hours, the house is cleaner, the busywork life management checklist is much slimmed down, everyone is fed regularly and more healthfully, fights are stopped before they start, chores are done right and more quickly (who knew just a little supervision would do so much!), kids are guardedly excited about the actual parenting they are receiving, David is more productive in his work, there is time for the scriptures, prayers, etc., and honestly, everything that matters is getting done like never before.

But more importantly, and surprisingly, my life is easier than it was.  I sit down more.  I look out the windows sometimes.  Before, when I let the hours between 12-8 be a free-for-all, I mainly just ran in a circle, not knowing where to start, but resenting anything and everyone that kept me from doing anything and everything else.  Resenting that I was always being pulled away from something, not sure what it was, but sure it was "important."

I don't feel like I'm failing for the first time in what seems like forever.

Granted, it's the end of day two, I'm very tired adjusting to the new wake up time, but I have yet to see a downside (that will probably come when I put in my almost non-existent hours this next pay period).  What a novel idea to actually just attend to my home and family for the majority of my day.

I know to many of my friends this is an absurd discovery, and you've been doing it forever, but sympathize with a slow learner, will you?   It takes me time to realize, accept, and then relearn that my primary role is not a nanny, a marketer, an observer, living like that "I'm a waiter but really I'm an actor" cliche character in the movies: "I'm a mother but really I'm a moneymaker/writer/diva whatever."  And I may never be rich or thin, and maybe when I'm old I'll resent having spent so much of my life "kicking against the pricks" on those two time hogs.

It's time to say goodbye to Aunt Val, slow down, and be just a mother.

Sunday Update

Ben and Noah had a great time with dad on the Father/Son Campout this past weekend, despite below-freezing overnight temperatures and Noah falling in the river.  Apparently they went through bags of marshmallows in the traditional "mallow-as-torch" game, and Noah made his own gourmet 'smore complete with fire-blackened mallows.

The girls got pedicures and dinner and then my sweet mom gave me 18 hours of total solitude, taking the girls home to sleep over.  That was weird and wonderful.  I got all the carrots, radishes, broccoli, more peas, onions and all the potatoes in--7 varieties in all.  So strange to start a task and work it to completion without interruptions.  But of course, we are working on not having the children be seen as interruptions but the project itself, right?

Still, it was great.  We had lots of luck with red potatoes in our first year here, so I did some of those, California Whites, Norkota Russets, and some lovely "All-Reds" with pink flesh.  I talked about potatoes a few years ago, but I am still amazed by the process--a seed potato is just a potato with lots of eyes--you cut each into chunks, at least an inch around, with 1-2 eyes a piece, let them dry in the shade a bit (mine dried in 8 hours with a fan) and pop them in the ground, eyes up.  Each plant can make 6 potatoes, and on many of the seed potatoes, I got six pieces to plant.  Pretty good returns there.

It felt so good to get my hands dirty again, although today I remembered the exhaustion that comes after a farm day.  So tired!  I'm having trouble uploading pics for some reason, so I will do it through email after this post.

Ben is getting into a more pre-teen seriousness, but has finally mastered his paper route (finishes before Scouts without any help from me!) and he's a good student and a hard worker. I love him so much but somehow am always furious with him. He makes me nuts--probably because he's so much like I was and I want to spare him the problems I had.  But, I'm trying.  He's my first little guy and I want the world for him. 

Sophie is a sweet chatterbox.  She helped me get the chick pen split for mother hen to take the other side tonight--not usually a Sunday activity, but I saw a rodent in the coop today because the door was open and was nervous about the chicks being in there another night.  The cats make it so I rarely see those things (alive, anyway) but we do have plenty of fields around us and I know they're out there.  A rat can eat chicks, although I think the thing I saw scutter by so quickly was a mouse.  But I didn't want to risk it. Sophie was a great help out there and I really enjoyed her company.  I'm looking forward to more of that.  If I can just keep her home--she is always trying to leave and play elsewhere.  You'll think I'm being too hard on myself when I say I think it is because we have too much craziness and yelling and inter-kid fighting in our house.  But I think that because she said so much.

Ben and Sophie are starting with a new piano teacher (other than me) next month--we have friends that take from her and she is pretty hardcore, but turns out amazing pianists.  I'm excited about that.  They also are both in Tae Kwon Do--Ben is high-brown and Sophie is orange belt.  They both go to Capitol Hill Academy, which we love, and Noah will start there next year.  I've almost finished their website, check it out!

Lucy and Noah do preschool at a popular neighborhood in-home school and go to what we call "Monkeynastics" for some reason.  We'd taken a break for the holidays and are barely getting back to it.  After two weeks in the pre-K/K class, Noah got booted to the 6 YO boy class--he can do amazing things--the fastest cartwheel I've ever seen!  Lucy got bumped to the second level Pre-K/K because, they said, "She's fearless."  This week we are going to visit a "Twinkle Class" with the local Suzuki violin teacher and get them on her 16-month waiting list. 

I always said my kids would do a sport and an instrument but I have to admit I pick sports that don't require enormous investments of time or cash.  I cram all the activities on one or two days so I can be a homebody on the others.

Popcorn really is popping all over the trees these days--although not yet on the apricot tree--and Lucy wants to sing that song many times a day.  Sometimes she let's me sing that instead of Jingle Bells at bedtime.  A nice breather there.

Noah and Ben have their own rooms now, and WOW!  They both have clean rooms!  The roommate situation made for a trashed room 100% of the time.  Apparently they both just needed space.  Finally Noah is free to just build and play cars on his car rug in his own room--it definitely was a good move for everyone.  He is such a little sweetie.

David's been a bit under the weather but in improved spirits because I am now home to make sure he eats meals and takes vitamins--no kidding, a noticeable change.  I've enjoyed having him home an extra week and just want to say that the iPhone is great for a marriage--texting random thoughts, playing the "Words With Friends" app together (you can't call it Scrabble!), sharing pics of what we're doing with the kids, or his meal when he goes to a new crazy hamburger joint back East.  Now I ALWAYS know what state he is in--both geographically and mentally.  So, thanks, Steve Jobs!

There's the family for this week. 

Coming Home

I promised myself that when I finally left the workplace to come back home I'd write myself a letter to remember why it was a good thing.  It's so tempting to get back into the noise and mess and wonder why I left the quiet pleasantness and good friends for this chaos. 

It's a sad reality, but I am much better at writing marketing plans than I am mothering and taking care of a house.  (This is why I admire you so much, Carrie.)  I'm not a natural mother--I love my children fiercely, but I don't "get" children in that way some nurturing types do.  Maybe it was my upbringing as an only child and mostly single mother that made me think child rearing would be a lot quieter, and, well, a lot less childish.  It's no secret that being home is much harder work physically, emotionally and spiritually than being at the office. 

It sounds like I'm writing the reasons to not stay at home, but I think it's just the opposite.

There is no wisdom in thinking the path of least resistance is the easiest path, but there is much evidence to the contrary.  There's a great saying used a lot in my Weight Watchers meeting: "Choose your hard."  Being fat is hard, dieting is hard.  Choose the hard you'd rather do. 

As hard as it is to be with the kids, being away from the kids is hard.  For me, it was impossible to work without shutting off some of the little maternal instinct I have. I wasn't parenting the way I had always meant to parent (I know, who does?)

Part of it is probably just my personal psyche--I have a hard time multitasking and shifting gears.  When I'm working my brain stays at work and I have a hard time fully focusing on my home and family.  After being home for a vacation or a long weekend, the reverse is true.  And maybe some moms can shift gears faster and better. 

But for me, I felt unable to prevent compromise on what I wanted my children to be doing and the habits I wanted them to be taught.  And, despite so much argument to the contrary, my children were clearly worse off without even my lame guidance--not just because they pined for me, but because they were left with less guidance and teaching than they needed.  I can see that there was some independence gained, but overall, it wasn't an ideal situation for them.

Just one day home makes it clear how many teaching opportunities come up in a single day--from the gospel to occupational tasks to civics and government back to more gospel principles.  And the complexity and intensity of the forces facing our children as they come of age is mind-boggling—every lesson they can get will be sorely needed.

Yet another set of lessons lost are the ones they teach me--how to master myself, how to control my words, how to not be a huge hypocrite, how to run a household--how to pray into my life the charity I need to accomplish what I came here to earth to do in the first place. 

And not just self-discipline, but the accidental lessons learned while watching and listening to my children. Their little spirits just amaze me--and there's no saying that just because I got here 30 years earlier I am so much wiser. (Yet, even with this knowledge, I'm perfectly willing to practice the grown-up double standard far too often.)

Also, in the past week at home, even though I've been working more than I ever did at the office, I've been able to hear so many great conversations that have helped my love for my children grow in a way that makes it easier to be a parent.  It's difficult when we only see each other tired and cranky at the end of the day to build what has so quickly begun to regenerate after only two weeks.

I've learned that when Noah refers to any extreme of distance he will use the word "tippy"—as in, "the very tippy bottom," the "tippy back of the shelf."  Ben and Sophie both need hugs and physical attention every day, several times a day, to help him feel grounded and safe, and I hadn't noticed that.  Lucy has a rare but hysterical giggle. 

Yesterday in the car, Sophie, Noah and Lucy were planning how they were going to play in the backyard playhouse when they got home--who wanted to be the mom, the baby, and the mayor, and that the mayor had dibs on the stroller this time.  Obviously all of these roles are critical when playing house.  It made me laugh--and sadly, I don't often laugh with my kids.

Working for those two years was not a mistake--I was led to that decision and led to that fantastic job and we were able to quickly solve some difficult problems, but the moment it was time to come home, I felt it. 

When your time is spent primarily on any one thing, things that interfere with that primary focus are distractions, a nuisance, and a frustration.  When your life is work, other personal projects (a blog!) or even an obsession with a personal problem, the children become the bother.  I wrote a whole essay about this some time ago, but how can I can be expected to actually remember past life lessons more than five minutes?

At the same time, I have a very hard time just sitting down and staring at my children or doing kid things.  I didn't do a lot of being a kid as a kid, so it feels very forced. However, even with my motherhood-impaired temperament, what I learned when we first moved to our little "farm" is that the slower, "old-fashioned" life can be lived alongside children rather than in spite of them, that I can enjoy what I'm doing and my children at the same time while teaching them important things.

I'm anxious to return to—and re-learn—that life, and spend less time actively teaching myself the latest marketing strategies and more time passively letting life (the Lord) teach me.  Everything is so full of lessons.

So, future self, when you want to run to the quiet safety of an office, run to the garden, kids in tow, and let the chaos escape into the open air.