Blessings

Today I was sitting at the piano in primary and looking at Noah. He isn't on the front row anymore, my little Sunbeam is now in the CTR 5 class. How did that happen? I think about what a sweet, sweet blessing he is in my life, so free with his hugs and kisses and "I love yous."

I look for Sophie--where is she? She's not there. This is Jr. Primary, and she is now a Valiant 8, will be baptized this year. Where is time going? She sat on my lap during Sacrament Meeting--way too big for that now, but it makes her happy--and I petted her long hair. It's getting darker--all my kids' hair is--my four little blondes will end up dark like David and me.

Lucy moved to a big-girl bed on New Year's Day. What's the point of a crib when she can pop out of it at will? When she's having a fit over something and I mimick her crying by saying "Waaa!" she laughs and stops.

Ben bore his testimony today--he's growing up and learning how to get nervous speaking in front of others. He testified of the Church and of Jesus Christ. We spent the evening together making a tin-foil covered cardboard stag as his Patronius visual aid for his book report on Harry Potter 3 tomorrow.

I remembered it was Fast Day for once and maybe that is why I felt a little more soft hearted today, just overwhelmed with gratititude for what the Lord has given me--this beautiful family, a husband I love dearly, the gospel, wonderful friends and family, this warm, safe home and the amazing gardening adventure. I think about how he has held us in His hands through so many tricky situations that only He could navigate, and how there are more ahead this year, but I know He will take care of us.

It seems so much of life is spent thinking about what we want--what we want from loved ones, what we want with our careers/finances, what we want to have happen today, tomorrow, next year. But when I'm thinking about what I want, I am not thinking about what I have--it is constantly looking at the empty part of the glass.

There is something to the zen concept of eliminating expectations. Expectations kill relationships, and kill happiness—they keep us always focused on what we lack, not what we have. In marriage, for instance. If I expect David to act like David I will never be disappointed, and can just love him. But to not expect at all--that is a divine state--to just take what comes, experience it, observe it, accept it in faith. That's not to say we don't proactively engage in things, but that we don't tie our happiness to specific outcomes.

Despite rationalizations, expectations are not hope (trust that God is in control and will take care of us), they are not faith (the hope for things which are not seen, which are true), expectations are wanting things to be done a certain way, to go a certain way, for certain things to happen--and they put me on the path of ingratitude.

These were my thoughts today as I looked at the four amazing individuals I've been entrusted with--here when I didn't even think I could have children ten years ago. My cup runneth over, yet sometimes I still see it as half full.

Today Noah trimmed off both cat's whiskers. Sophie sang in the tub tonight for an hour. When I was getting dressed and hadn't gotten to the pants part, Lucy helpfully suggested that I "put on a pull-up." Benjamin just came down sleepwalking, went into the laundry room and came out with a bottle of Shout and Lucy's snowpants and, when questioned, said frustratedly, "What, you can't expect me to go around without any pants!"

Life really is good.

Thursday is the new Sunday

Well, at least it looks like that. Nothing new or exciting--love work, loving choir, kids are cute and wonderful, great husband. Still going to the gym, although the lunch hour doesn't offer speedy training, it feels good. The garden will end on Saturday, it's supposed to snow. We're going to pick all the grapes and juice them, the carrots, what's left of the corn, and, if it's not supposed to have a real freeze, we'll leave the squash out--otherwise they will all come in also.

I'll pick all the plants and leave them where they are, we'll clean out the coop and put all the litter on the garden. The hens gave 8 eggs today!!

I enjoyed conference and took to heart the counsel to be grateful and stop complaining. There is always a negative side, and yes we have stresses and problems, but the things that really matter are good. I think I'll be able to make adjustments to my work schedule and set up a more long-term solution.

Also, we can't believe it is happening so quickly--but there is already talk around the office--whisperings here and there and even a heavy hint dropped by the head honcho--that an offer from the Federal Defender may be coming. It will be contingent on getting the Bar thing worked out, but it looks like Heavenly Father is making good on all the promises and blessings we've been given in the past year.

And although many can't understand why David would want to defend criminals, it makes me proud to see him so forcefully defend the constitution and the equal access to justice that this country was founded on. A true test of our values is to see if we still adhere to them when it is not convenient. And, how better follow Christ than to follow his example as an advocate for sinners? He didn't just pay the price of the penitent, he paid for everything.

Anyway, we are very blessed. There is a lot of hope (and I no, I don't say that just because Obama is up by 6 points). Really, even as the world collapses around our ears, I've never felt like things were more on track for our family.

The Real Tuesday

I so appreciate your supportive comments. It really has helped today. I interviewed with another 9 people today--2 higher-ups together, three of the creative team I'd be on together, and then the four other members of the team together. I liked everyone and they liked me. The first meeting, with the President, took a little more than my average friendliness. I eventually broke him with my explanation of why I liked the company. Apparently they were his reasons, too. He was much more engaging after that.

The company is Access Development. My briefest description is that they have a discount network of over 200,000 merchants, including big name folks like Target and Eddie Bauer, and restaurants and such. They sell use of this network to large groups and companies under the client's own brand, for example, the Arizona Teachers' Union Discount Card. Then the teachers carry the card around and use it at the places they regularly shop. Merchants get loyal customers, companies and organizations make their employees/members happy, businesses reward their customers, and the cardholders get things cheaper. So it's not a really hard sell--everyone gets something they want, this company just brings them together.

I talked to two more old bosses today--that's such a trip! My boss from 12 years ago (that I worked with for less than a year) was very nice and said he'd be very complimentary--apparently he's a national laboratory bigwig based in Maine now. And then good old Joe Edward from Sprint--always good for a laugh. Those references were both set up for calls tomorrow.

Before I left today the man who would be my boss, Andrew, asked if I'd be around tomorrow for him to call "in case there's anything I'd like to discuss with you." He and the other management folks are going to a management retreat at noon and I get the vibe he wants things wrapped up before he leaves.

So, my guess is that I'll get a preliminary offer tomorrow. Or, they will call me on one of my answers to a question I got today and throw me out of the running all together--I can't explain, but I've got a little fear that I may be caught in a deliberate omission of fact. I have worked to be very honest with them while not sharing additional info that, although related to my business life, I really didn't want to discuss. I have a completely valid answer for them if it comes up, but I don't know. So, I'm betting tomorrow I'll be hired or prematurely fired.

After the interview I came home and just felt like my world was shaking. This would be such a big change, coming so fast, and so different from what I'm doing or what I thought the answer to our problems would be, so at odds with the identity I'd imagined for myself, and with so many spiritual and logistical challenges. Plus I was a little anxious about my evasive (to put it kindly) answer to a direct question.

I actually needed a blessing from David to calm down. The blessing said that I needed to move beyond the difficulties of the past, that the opportunities that were coming were from the Lord, that I would be given the strength to take on the additional responsibilities and that I shouldn't underestimate my resources or abilities as I go into this. I did feel better, but still a little overwhelmed.

I spent the rest of the day weeding--over 3 hours, and I only did the little garden. The big garden I can weed more with a hoe, so it should be quite so labor intensive. Even though it is something that I'll have to do again every week, I enjoy it. So much of household life is like pushing the rock up the hill only for it to roll back down and be pushed up again. But somehow, the weed thing doesn't discourage me as much as, say, the dishes thing, or the feeding everyone three times a day thing.

I've got to make a menu plan for my family tonight. I have faithfully made and followed different menus for my family so many times in the past eight years, that I can't believe that I'm starting from scratch yet again. I'm ready for bed right now.

Since I pretty much know the group of people who read my blog, I just want to say that I appreciate you letting me dump on you and that you actually take an interest in my life--I feel supported when I talk to you guys on the phone and know that you know what is going on and care. I love that via the blog I am still connected to great folks like "Nordy" (when are you coming to Utah?) and that it motivates me to keep a journal better. Hail the blog!