A life of corrections

The financial plan for our family of late has been to "push on doors" so to speak, and see what opens. Over the past several years, I have learned to quit getting emotional about door pushing. I visualize myself walking down a long hallway, and calmly pushing on door after door. Not, as I once did, jumping up and down in excited fear or anxiety, screaming, "Will it open?! Is it this one!? If it doesn't open, we might DIE!" What I've also learned is that most doors do not open, but it's a numbers game.

So, this teaching thing came up as an idea where, even though it would be sad to leave the kids, especially when I still have little ones, I figured it was necessary. I've been trying to be positive about it and see the benefits, although going to work and leaving my family is not something I honestly want to do. I can't say I went in feeling enthusiastic on Monday, but I had my game face on, and I have a good game face.

So, Monday the director met with me first and said that the Jr. High English teaching position that I'd interviewed for wasn't opening up after all, and that she'd filled the 6th grade teaching job before she learned the English job wasn't really there, although there may be one for the following year. (Oh, how I didn't want to teach 6th grade, but that was me keeping options open). So, she said that next year was full after all, and since I was doing the instructor thing for the next 7 weeks just to get familiar with the school, she'd leave it up to me if I still wanted to do it.

Well, it was in Elementary Ed, which is not my interest (please don't bring up here that I homeschool elementary children). It pays $10/hr, which at 4 hours a day, doesn't do much for us financially. And I'd left a tearfully screaming baby to come in that morning, so after verifying with the elementary coordinator that she wasn't desperate for help or anything, I said I'd rather not.

I drove home feeling mildly relieved but resolved to the fact that the rest of the day would be spent finding new doors to push on. It looks like David may be preparing for the Utah bar, and since that takes time and money, I needed to come up with a way I can help in the interim.

I could start subbing Secondary Ed here in just days, but they pay $67/day for B.A.s to sub! (Yep, that's $8/hr--how we value education). I could be a cashier at Kohls and get benefits with that pay just working PT. The value to teaching in the fall was to be the benefits, but even that pays $36K/yr for a first year teacher. And that $17/hr, after taxes and day care expenses for multiple children, comes out to well under $10 also.

Don't think me a snob for saying the 30s are low, but I was interviewing to almost triple that in CA and would hope to at least double that in UT if I went back to corporate life, which is a door I've decided not to even push on. I'd have to say farewell to any glimpse of family life to go there, and frankly, unless you work for some kind of do-good organization, it can be a meaningless farce of an existence to revolve your whole life around hoping people waste their money to buy more of your brand of widget.

Also, all these plans relied at least a bit on the fact that David works from home, but for him to maximize his time and future prospects, he really shouldn't be watching kids during office hours.

Sunday my cousin told me that several women in the ward make $3000 or more a month with family day cares. She had a lot of details on it because one of these women told her all about it and thought she should do it. This same lady has a long waiting list and has filled 3 other daycares with her waiting list. Plus, that $3000 is virtually tax-free, because she writes off everything in her house that she uses for her daycare (and she stores daycare items in every room of her house for that purpose).

I can't tell you how swiftly I dismissed this idea mentally, even as I've gone through the steps of "pushing on the door." Although I liked doing music class and field trips and planning curriculum, I am not a kid person, and not doing so great with my own kids, let alone adding more.

I'll spare you all the details of all of the rules and laws and paperwork and phone calls I've made in the process of pushing this door, but in the end, it does look like the best way to make the most money and have the best result for my family. I can only have 6 other kids, since I have two of my own under 5 and 8 kids is the max for one person, including them. Still, it will be about $2600 a month, just under $15 an hour, with the potential of no additional tax liability, and possibly even cutting into David's taxes. And, I get to stay with Lucy and Noah. And, I will be compelled to do all the fun activities and curriculum with them that I have piles of in my house but no structure or self-discipline to do.

And when I think of it, my kids are easier when they have friends over to play with. I am also nicer when other children are here, because you can't yell when other kids are present, they might discover that you are a mean mommy and tell their mommies. The other moms around here who do daycare say their kids love it, and they hate weekends because they miss their friends.

I can offer a fun farm experience, with chickens and planting (and later, eating), and bread baking and music classes and sign language and some great preschool programs, and these are things I'd like to do more actively for my own kids but have not been motivated enough to get my act together. Plus, I don't have to answer to any employer demanding this report before I go home, living in a cubicle, etc.

But I'm sure it will be exhausting and take time to get into the routine. I will be watching 10 children until school starts (counting my own). I also have had to face my very unflattering prejudice that I have always assumed daycare moms to not necessarily be educated, ambitious people. But, where has all my education and ambition got me? I've been sleeping in like a drunk for weeks, for heaven's sake! And who is to say that children don't deserve all the benefits of my education and ambition?

If I just put my old, outgoing MEPAF game on (a persona that somehow fell out of the van and died along the highway in route to Utah) I am sure it will be super fun and we all will be better for it.

So, this door appears to be opening and seems viable, but that's all I can say at this point.

I'm starting to really understand the Zen concept of expectations being the root of all unhappiness. To not expect means always to be able to accept things as they happen and people as they are. Call me the Buddhist Mormon Mama.