My Thoughts on the End of an Era

As I have read so many tributes to Gordon B. Hinckley this past week, and I've thought much about the influence he has had in my life and pondered what defining messages or moments have had the most impact on me. I loved him greatly and had a testimony of his divine calling, one confirmed to me many times over his long tenure. He spoke to us as a region in a simultaneous Stake Conference across Southern California just a few weeks ago, emphasizing loving marriage and family relationships. He looked very small and frail, yet cried out with power in his frustration at the mistreatment of women.

Then, as in so many other conferences where I heard his voice, I marveled at the ridiculous deception that makes him and his fellow associates out to be oppressive, power-hungry ringleaders of blind sheep. That would be a very well-cloaked evil indeed, masked by constant pleadings to be more loving, kinder, respectful, mindful of those around us, renewed in hope and doing good. And, with each message, comes the never-failing witness of the Spirit that this man speaks with Christ, and for Christ, the great Exemplar which the prophet so clearly emulated.

The adversary will do all in his power to sow seeds of doubt, even in the face of reason, to prevent us from hearing the prophet of the Lord, and accepting His prophet's call to simply humbly come unto Christ and be healed. Our enemy seeks to make us take offense when we are asked to set aside selfishness for service. But the prophet speaks truth: that true healing from pain, disappointment, despair or confusion doesn't come from licking my wounds in a circular path dedicated to self-discovery.

Which brings me to the area where I felt the strongest influence from Gordon B. Hinckley. The story is now well known. When young Elder Hinckley was encountering illness, rejection, prejudice and despair early in his mission, his complaints written home were answered with a short letter from his father: “Dear Gordon, I have your recent letter. I have only one suggestion: Forget yourself and go to work.”

Hinckley recalls, "Earlier that morning in our scripture class my companion and I had read these words of the Lord: 'Whosoever will save his life shall lose it; but whosoever shall lose his life for my sake and the gospel’s, the same shall save it' (Mark 8:35).

"Those words of the Master, followed by my father’s letter with his counsel to forget myself and go to work, went into my very being" (from Ensign, July 1987, 7). In describing what happened next, he said: “I got on my knees in that little bedroom … and made a pledge that I would try to give myself unto the Lord.

“The whole world changed. The fog lifted. The sun began to shine in my life. I had a new interest. I saw the beauty of this land. I saw the greatness of the people. … Everything that has happened to me since that’s been good I can trace to that decision made in that little house” (Church News, Sept. 9, 1995, 4).

President Hinckley continued by saying: “You want to be happy? Forget yourself and get lost in this great cause, and bend your efforts to helping people” (in Church News, Sept. 9, 1995, 4).

He said more recently: "The best antidote for worry is work. The best medicine for despair is service. The best cure for weariness is to help someone even more tired."

I was at a recent sacrament meeting in Utah where the speaker explained that when we lose ourselves in the service of Christ, it is easier to find our true self, as there will be more of us to find. This losing myself and forgetting myself in service to Christ is not frantically busying myself with family church duties while secretly holding out for expected payback in the form of my own needed blessings, equal returned attention, or even instant personal fulfillment from a given act of service. It is taking the gospel of Jesus Christ "down, deep into our hearts" as Henry B. Eyring emphasized in the funeral. It is seeking to feel and hold within me the love of my Savior for me through communion with the Father in constant prayer and study. I have then felt this love so naturally translate into a similar love for my fellow travelers in this often hard, sometimes joyous journey.

Each time I review this story of President Hinckley's mission, I am reminded of a phrase in my own patriarchal blessing, which after discussing some talents and blessings I would have from the Lord, follows with the charge: "You should make use of them to further the work of the Lord." The Lord understood I would be tempted to use any abilities for better standing in the world, and reminds me that by losing myself in His work I will, in the end, rejoice that I was not distracted from my true mission on this earth by seeking my own comforts. It would be like being sent on an important business trip, only to miss the purpose of my trip as I stayed in my hotel room, fluffing pillows and making sure the accommodations were comfortable enough. I want to return Home without regrets.

After WWII, when Hinckley decided to end a promising career with the railroad in Denver to return to the employ of the church, he told a friend, "This is the Lord's work, and I feel I would make my best contribution in life, by doing my humble part, to further the cause." This is a sentiment I wish to echo. I would like my tribute to Gordon B. Hinckley's life to be my own covenant with the Lord to try to forget myself and go to work, and to lose myself in Christ and in building his kingdom. Instead of finding myself, to let Him find, shape and transform me.

My self is a hard thing to forget, as it is has become accustomed to so much attention, and I know it will take practice. But I always find when I am serving Jesus Christ, that I have access to much greater ability than my own. As Elder Eyring said at the funeral, "His optimism was justified, not by confidence in his own powers to work things out, but in his great faith that God's powers were in place. "

Thank you, dear President Hinckley, for showing me what is possible when one person simply forgets himself and goes to work for Jesus Christ, and inspiring me to do the same.

"'Til we meet at Jesus' feet."

Welcome me back from 1975!

I have a new cell phone to replace my old, broken one (thanks for the early b-day present, mom). Some of you may know that I was relegated not only to the home phone, but a corded home phone, like back when I was 9 or something, so I could choose to socialize while standing in a rather useless part of the house, or I could just bag that and actually live my life (something I blog, surf, email and phone-chat to avoid).

So, I'm back to being free, or no longer being free, not sure which.

Since most people who read my personal blog (this one), are the same people that used to call me when I had a phone, I just thought I'd let you know here.

PS: Important health warning at MamaMelodrama today.

Shameless Mid-Week Redirecting

If you're bored and bloghopping, take a look. Today's post refers you to yet another post I highly recommend:

http://mamamelodrama.blogspot.com/2008/01/post-i-didnt-have-to-write.html

I understand that this is inefficient and shameless, and take full credit for it.

Valerie

Happy Family Birthday!

Our family celebrates the completion of 15 years today. This means bowling and birthday cake, but as it's Sunday, we did the bowling part yesterday.

We only go bowling once a year because it is expensive, and we tell ourselves it makes Family Birthday more special that way. I got the same score as Sophie. That would be 84. She had bumpers, though, so I'm going to hold onto that along with my dignity. Grandpa, however, was beaten by all children, including Ben, Sophie, Noah and the combined game of my 3YO niece Morgan and Lucy, who played alternately. Like me, he can hold onto that fact that they had bumpers.

We are here in lovely, white Utah, where even the angle of the sun and the way the trees move on a windy day like today is so familiar. Bountiful looks older and a little unkempt in places, and it's odd to drive up the east bench onto one of the the multi-million McMansion drives simply to overlook a desolate valley dominated by the refinery, but it is winter.

Do I want to come back? Yes, every time I do the bills. When that time of the month rolls around and it's time again to pay in rent 2-3x what people here pay for their mortgages, I do. When I dream of starting a real garden, one that would sustain canning and plenty of family togetherness in the form of work, then I do. When I see my kids playing with their cousins and enjoying their grandparents and the snow, when I chat with my cousin Kim and California expatriates the Mosses and the Oaks, and see what good friends I have here. There is a big part of me that feels like this is home, that feels more at ease and less tense here.

But there is another part of me, the me of today, which feels like East Pasadena is more my home, that feels like my ward family there is as much my family in some ways. Just living daily life is harder there (in CA) to some extent, but life has gotten harder here, too. Part of me wonders if the idea I have of the Bountiful I would come back to is mixed up with a Bountiful in the past that doesn't exist anymore. It's not like kids can just go out and play in the front yard here anymore than they can there--the world has changed that way.

There is something about being here in Utah that I can't put my finger on, but that I think wouldn't be ideal for our family. I don't know what it is. Like our friend Marlo said after being surprised to find David and I were both from Bountiful, "You guys just don't seem like Bountiful people."

But I love Bountiful people, and the house I grew up imagining I'd have is a Bountiful house. But I think that maybe there is more room for our weirdness outside in the wild. In Pasadena, we almost, almost seem normal, and I feel like that would be unattainable here. And I speculate that Ben's differences are probably better handled in a place where there is so much more difference in so many areas that even kids are more tolerant.

I tell myself I'm above peer pressure and feeling like I "should" be something, but I worry I'd lose myself a bit coming back. And maybe that's just it, maybe you just can't go back, like they say. It would feel a little bit like regressing, because I'm so different from the person that left here almost 12 years ago. In California, I can breathe (the smoggy air) and feel at ease among the other crazies like me (no offense to all my CA friends). And also, in my most focused, centered and spiritual moments, I feel like we are supposed to be there in Pasadena.

So I guess it comes down to feeling financially at ease or psychologically and spiritually at ease.

All of this is moot, of course, because however my husband humors my musings on the topic, when my meandering monologue is over, he gives a tired smile, breathes heavily and moves onto another topic as if I'd never spoken. As if to say "Here in your Hotel California, you can check out (mentally) anytime you want, but you can never leave."

CA is home.

Down with moderation!

Everyone who knows me knows that I do not believe in the idea of "moderation in all things." First of all, if this were true, it would be healthy and legal for me to take a moderate amount of heroin on a daily basis. Second of all, it is only in those manic, bursts of focused energy that I accomplish anything in my life.

Which is why I didn't do anything really this week besides doing web programing and designing new sites and getting ideas for other new sites. I'm in a very creative mood these days, which is fun and also tends to exclude all other activities (except eating chocolate). Maybe I'll fall into a pathetic mopey phase later, but it feels good to be accomplishing things that are tangible and linear and cannot be undone by small people in under five minutes.

It's not that I mind cleaning the kitchen or sweeping the floor, but it is how soon and how often I have to do it again, and again, and again that's the problem. The circular pattern of life is not soothing to me, it is crazy-making. I've had children 8 years and I still find myself thinking, "You need to eat again? Seriously? Three times a day, you say?" Linear, check-off-and-move-on momentum on concrete projects of interest are the barriers between me and the house on the hill and the white jacket.

Am I being a little too open with my mental illness here?

Okay, then we'll move on.

The Suburban Harvest website is up but the forms aren't working. The forms are in a mailto: format which is lamer than lame, but I need to learn a little more before I can fix them.

I taught Relief Society today, covering the intro to the new Joseph Smith manual, his life chronology, plus the first chapter of "Life and Ministry" suffice it to say, we nixed the practice song and still got out 5 minutes late. We reviewed his life and all he accomplished in 24 years before he was killed. For each item in his life, I wrote on one side of the board all that was accomplished (first vision, revelation, restoration of the priesthood, organization of the church and its leadership, temples built and templework begun) and on the other, all the hard stuff (poverty, crop failures, no educational opportunities, loss of children, loss of friends, intense persecution, and eventually being killed). I drew a map of the eastern US on the board and we drew lines for all of his (constant) moving around.

We talked about how the world doesn't understand the impact of the first list, and how it just looks confusing and chaotic from a worldly view. But, once God confirms to you that the restored gospel is true, it's clear that it was truly the long, painful labor to bring the restored church into the world.

In the end, we talked about how just like this random and indirect and painful process that restored the gospel to the earth, our own random, indirect and painful wanderings in life also serve to bring about the purposes for which we were sent here. I think the lesson went well, but it was mainly lecture and not discussion because it was that first lesson with the liturgy of historical facts.

It's real folks, it's true, and if you don't believe me, ask the Lord about it.

Anyway, kids are doing well. Sophie is having this thing where she doesn't want to go to school anymore and it's a fight to get her to go. We are going to Utah on Wednesday, so I've tried to persuade her that the 8 days we're taking off really makes it so we can't miss. She is starting to sing more and has great pitch and memory for songs. I just love singing with her. We listed to Carmen today after church and she was singing along--oh, can I just push on you my life dreams, little daughter?

Ben went with his dad and the scouts on Saturday on a long, 7 mile hike in Joshua Tree. They had a great time, and that kind of thing is so good for him. I realize how fast he'll be grown. David's grandpa said that once you get to 14, it's over. If you haven't taught them what they need to know by then, it's too late, and all you can do is preserve the relationship. I sometimes feel he's already there. But even if that's true, that's only six years from now.

Noah has been out of sorts this week. I think he has a low-level bug, same with Lucy, and me, and David. He cries easily and just looks pale. He refuses to eat anything that is that good for him, as in fruits and veggies. I need to get back to the regular alternating oatmeal and smoothies for breakfast after our trip and focus on their nutrition. We usually aren't hit so hard by the cold/flu season, and I am sure our lax diet is part of the reason.

Lucy, aside from the constantly running nose, come-and-go cough, the come-and-go fevers, is happy and very active, now a big climber, always on top of furniture. Yes, I did take her to the doctor after much harassment from my husband, and the doctor said it was a cold and acted (albeit politely) like I should know better after four kids than to bring her in for that. But like I said, we're not used to being always sick. She's just buzzing around, working hard at nothing, most of the day. She enjoys the park and is very independent.

David is good and sweet. I like him a lot. I totally like him. Do you think he likes me? Ask him if he likes me. No, don't. DON'T. He's totally too cool for me. No way.

So, Next Sunday is the big #15 anniversary. When we got married he was asked on video what he wanted to say to his posterity. He said romantically, "Um, we thought this was a good idea at the time."

As for me, I still think it was a pretty good idea, and if I harass him, he will admit he thinks so, too.

Val writes her congressman (and the newspapers, and all the candidates)

Here is my beef with the state of the nation for today. This is my letter I wrote to pretty much everyone today (this copy went to the presidential candidates). Agree with me or not, whatev. But if you do happen to agree, write your representative! If you don't, love me anyway.

---

A New York Times article today about increasing foreign investment touched a nerve that has been getting more raw for me over the past months which I feel should be part of the election debate:

http://www.nytimes.com/2008/01/20/business/20invest.html?hp

I am an independent, and I actually am fine with most immigration, as most of us got here that way one way or the other, and the land we're protecting once belonged to many of those we're protecting it from anyway.

But we are so distracted by concern about Mexicans coming over the border to pick our fruit and clean our houses that we are failing to notice thousands of non-citizens buying up land and homes in the US, taking advantage of a weak dollar and an ailing economy.

While working Southern Californians like me can never hope to own a home here, wealthy investors from foreign nations are snapping up (even over-priced) property with ease, making the American dream even more distant for regular American families like ours.

At the same time, we allow investment firms operated by Arab nations to "save" our nation's banks and corporations, assuming the benefit of propping our tumbling stocks will outweigh the long-term impact. Our government continues to borrow money from some of these same nations, even those with vast idealogical differences, to support our spending habits. The years ahead will show how short-sighted this is.

THIS PROBLEM WILL HAVE MUCH MORE LONG-TERM IMPACT on Americans' lives than illegal immigration of low-skilled and migrant workers doing our unpleasant work. This needs urgent attention. If Americans were aware of the extent and the pace of this investment, they would be alarmed, whether they leaned left or right. Action needs to be taken to protect our ability to have our own home, and not just rent our American homes from foreign and immigrant landlords, however nice they may be.

As a candidate, as a senator, and if you win the White House, please protect American land for American citizens and start now to set strict limits on the purchase of American property by non citizens. Please don’t wait until after the election, but help make this a needed part of the election discussion.

More Required Reading

This week I was full of good intentions, got sick, did not do much of anything, and have about that much to show for it. The Suburban Harvest website is still close but not done, although I did line up Food Bank centers who are really excited about the project, as fresh produce is hard to come by. I really need to get that on line this week.

Noah made me laugh today because he kept saying goodbye to his church friends by saying, "Goodbye, alligator." Doesn't quite get the catchy rhyme requirement.

So, you are hereby strong-armed into to joining me on my new parenting blog. I recognize that those of you who know me will find the fact I'm writing a parenting blog either ironic, frightening or hilarious. But that is why it is a fun blog to visit. There are plenty of expert sites out there telling you how to parent, but not so many that make you feel like a better parent just by reading.

I'm also taking submissions for entries--anything real, unassuming, amusing and maybe even mildly humiliating, that includes one practical idea that has proven successful on at least one occasion (even if it is likely to never happen again). I'm shamelessly asking you to visit the site, comment on the site, and most of all, tell everyone you know about the site.

I'm doing this for the following reasons:
1. I think sharing real parenting experiences is sometimes more helpful than reading expert advice.
2. I find it healthy (or at least cathartic) to air my dirty laundry in a semi-anonymous setting
3. Maybe someone out there will take comfort in my effort to not hide how crazy it is at my place and realize they’re not alone.
4. I like writing, but I like the comments and feedback--it's no fun to talk to myself (although I do).
5. If I get hits it will say, "Hey, Three Rivers Press, people read this person's stuff so publish her book already." Then I can check that one off, and learn to fly a helicopter, play the cello, knit, speak Spanish, lumber through a sprint triathalon, and then I'll be free to die.

I’m hoping to now cash in all my good Karma from never sending spam and never asking people to forward anything to anyone. Forward this with your favorable comments to your whole address book and I am sure something fabulous will happen to you sometime in the next 5-10 years.

Come, visit, make comments, send submissions. Happy, sane parenting!

http://mamamelodrama.blogspot.com/

A Fresh Start

Happy New Year! Do you like my new pic on the blog? This year that little trist will have taken place 20 YEARS AGO. Craziness!

I am not looking forward to getting back into the school routine, the laziness has been very nice.



David worked hard on the scout fundraiser all day on Jan 1 & 2, raking in piles of dough to support his program, but stretching out the illness he had before that due to many hours of exertion outside, so he's all cuddled up in jammies today doing crosswords.


Lucy is a little firecracker--since she is underweight and has problems with dairy and soy, she is nursed whenever she wants. Because when she cries hard she starts to have lung issues and wheeze, she is sometimes placated regardless of whether or not it is the best idea. She wakes up at night, wants to nurse and sleep with me all the time, is still easily toted in an infant carseat and still sleeps in a boppy in her crib (for that three hours a day she will stay in her crib--2 napping and 1 at night). Somehow through all of this she has come to feel that she should have whatever she wants whenever she wants. I'm trying to explain to her that she is 19 months old, not 6 months old. Her church behavior today was, I feel, a preview to many sabbath wrestling matches to come.



Noah has been a little bored over the holidays sometimes and has watched too much TV. Potty training is not going so well again, and I thought we'd turned a corner. He sleeps great, I'll give him that. And he's hilarious and sweet and adorable. I need to write down the things he says more often, he gets me laughing almost every day.


Sophie has really enjoyed being home, it has been so nice having her around. She wrote a fully illustrated book about Santa Claus yesterday that was just wonderful, with creative pictures and spelling. She's just a joy.



I am embarrassed to say that all I do in my spare time right now is blog. I'd forgotten how much I love writing. Where am I blogging? You might ask? I'm blogging a tiny bit on suburbanharvest.blogspot.com and two other sites that aren't yet open to the public, but will be soon. I'll tell you about those more next week, when one will be ready and I'll shamelessly ask you to send it to everyone you know. Although I'm very entertained by and learn a lot from several blogs, there is something so egotistical and voyeuristic about blogging. Still, for writing addicts like myself, the ability to self-publish is dangerous. I'm posting like crazy, loving it, and don't even have public sites. Silly, silly Valerie.



Benjamin has had some great time hanging out with his dad, he really thrives on that and is starting to turn a corner in his development where he wants less to romp and play as to be with his dad. For instance, on the 31st, I decided to take the kids to the zoo while David did fundraising prep. Ben chose errands with dad. Here are some zoo pics:


Sophie (with conspicuously missing teeth) and a lion, who had just roared! I never thought I'd hear a lion roar in the zoo! It was loud and intense and amazing. Noah was a little freaked out.


Here is a koala. They were all out and easy to see. I'd been to the zoo a lot but never had seen the koalas well. The ones I took of koalas and my kids were blurry, so here's just a plain one.



A parent and baby giraffe!

Noah attacking a hippo on the zoo playground.


Sophie being a monkey, as she is wont to do.

Now for the major event of the week, the big fat Rose Bowl Parade! Tuesday we popped up and went over to our friends the Hunter's who live by where we used to on the parade route--they saved a space for us. I was going to put some float pictures in here, but theirs are better and she has a good description of the excitement, so pop on over there for the parade pics, then come back and see my people pics.

Ready? Ok:

Eli and Noah both used this phone booth as a fancy VIP Seat for the parade. This is me, Sophie, Noah and our friends Thomas and Kath Chamberlain. The Chamberlains crammed with us in our van to drive over and we had a grand time.

Me and Lucy, both covered in cookie goo from Lucy's 10-minute cookie-eating project.

Sophie and Ella, having wiggled their way into a front spot between all the people who stayed overnight.

Ben and Addy Hunter. Sad story, really. Years ago Ben settled on her for his eternal mate, but Addy has other plans.

Emeril Lagasse! Charisma, cooking skills, complicated recipies. Reminds me a bit of a gangster. But I was excitedly compelled to take a picture, so all my aloof coolness is betrayed to reveal I do get excited about the occassional celebrity--if they are related to food.

I'm reading some great books, I'll tell you all about them on my other blogs later. Wishing you all a very happy new year!

Christmas

We had a truly wonderful Christmas, quiet, cozy and happy.

Decorating cookies on Christmas Eve

Lucy's version of "decorating"

The layout before kids got to it
Lucy and the new chair she was very excited about (but it was from the dollar store, so it broke before the day was out).

David loves Christmas! (Temporarily Unclassified Information)


We got some wonderfully generous and unexpected gifts at the last minute from a Secret Santa, and should that person be a reader of my blog, I wish to thank them deeply for their kindness. There was a loud, quick banging on our door around 9ish Christmas eve that startled us a great deal, and once we figured out what was going on and we brought in the box, I was at first confused, because I thought we'd put together a respectable Christmas layout this year and wondered why we'd been chosen. But then we both read the note, which was clearly from a ward member and was so sweet and loving. We both felt so touched as we realized that it was not a gift of charity so much as one of heartfelt love and appreciation. It must have been the season, because we were both a little weepy over it. I'm sure I've overstepped my wifely confidentiality agreement by sharing that fact with you.

Looking over the past year, I am happy to say that I actually met some of my goals for this year, which generally just doesn't happen. This was the year I really started my family history because of the Stake and Ward goals, and I was able to submit around 60 names for temple work. I finished this fun family tree for my in-laws with eight solid generations from my children:

We gave it to them framed, with poster copies for David's brothers and sister. I felt really happy that I actually did what I set out to do. It's pretty pathetic that keeping a promise to myself is so rare, but it is what it is.

It's motivated me to timidly make more promises to myself for the coming year. I definitely want to continue the family history hour on Sundays, especially with the new fancy consolidated program coming out next month.

But, as for adding new things, the primary one is to build structure in my own life and in my home, because with that structure comes comfort and all of the other things we need to be doing, like exercise, diet (food planning), etc. I find that if just have the discipline to make and keep a dedicated time for something that needs doing, it just happens (like this family journal), and I don't have to fret and worry about it. I'm trying to do that with more things, like family and individual scripture study and prayer. We've done a lot better with FHE this year but still have room for improvement.

So, in addition to structure I'm going to try to learn to be softspoken. There I've said it, it's out there. May the force be with me.

My concrete goal for this year to see if we can't try out a volunteer program Ben thought up. You can find out all about it on our progress blog:

http://suburbanharvest.blogspot.com/

The website is almost ready to go up, just waiting until we want to spend the money for hosting.

I'm excited about it because I think it will help Ben understand better how to organize his plans and ideas and manage a project (since he's so convinced he'll be a self-employed inventor like his Grandpa Wise and I'd like to help him succeed where Gpa did not do so well). It also really touches on things I care about and I believe it provides a needed service. We'll have to see how it goes.

I hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas!

Christmas is coming, and it's not The Goose who's getting fat!

By which I mean, of course, "The Goose," which is my husband's only term for our youngest child (I persist in calling her Lucia [Italian-style] since David rejected that name, but I assume since he has gone so off track with her nickname I can call her whatever I want). The Goose refuses to grow still and is simply burning more calories than ever zipping about the house. As for me, I'm actually skipping regular meals now to make up for chocolate eating--I'm hoping the calories will even out. Yay, Christmas!

It's been a nice, relaxed week. I've just lowered my expectations of myself, and, lo and behold, I'm a much more accomplished person!

Ben is anxiously awaiting a bike from Santa, Sophie asked for a "Puppy grows and knows your name." We've been planning menus and shopping a bit, but have succeeded in having a more modest Christmas overall that is heavy on the Christmas Spirit. Forgive me if I've mentioned this already, but David made me an MP3 CD containing every song from every Christmas CD we own, and it plays on our DVD player--that does much to spread the cheer. He is so useful! I forsee his obituary: "He was a very Useful man."

Ben and Sophie are happy to be done with school for the year. However, now, Sophie is totally sick. She planned on going to the zoo with her best friend Sydney on Saturday, but acted weird in the morning, crying over everything and saying she had a headache. She put herself to bed for a nap at 10 a.m.--very weird. Then she acted all fine, so I proceeded to tell them to pick her up, but while they were on their way over, she commenced throwing up. She has had weird sleeping patterns the past few nights, also. I stayed home with her during church today and her fever got up to 102.5. She's also had a mild cough--random set of symptoms. She has enjoyed all the snuggling and coddling immensely. I might be fostering a future hypochondriac.

Noah needs a 3-year-old-sized hamster wheel. I checked Freecycle, but no go.

I had the greatest night last night, when my friend took me to "Joyful Foot Massage" for their $15 Reflexogy foot special. It was a 60 full minutes! It started with a full neck-to-hip massage (clothed) by some super-strong reflexology genius named Tom while I soaked my feet in hot herbal tea in a darkened room with soft music and animated photographs of waterfalls on the walls. Then I put my feet up in a recliner while Tom kneaded my shoulders, neck and face into rubbery oblivion. Then, we got to the feet part ("foot" apparently includes everything below the knee), which was probably wonderful also but I fell asleep for most of that. I left there a different woman.

I decided that I will give up every treat and non-necessary expense for the rest of my life to go back there on a regular basis. Reflexology is amazing.

Then late last night I started worrying about Tom, and wondering if my $5 tip was all he got out of the deal, and knowing he didn't speak English so I couldn't ask him. I assumed that he was probably illegal, as he is a clearly very talented 40ish man but couldn't possibly be making much even if they did supplement the tip. So, now I still want to go back, but when we're in the money I want to get the $150 for 11 visits so each visit is just over $13, then I will only go when I have at least $10 for Tom's tip. Darn the wonderfully effective Story of Stuff for breaking down my happily compartmentalized consumerism.

So, I guess it is really $25. Email me if you want me to take you some Tues or Thurs night. It. Is. Amazing.

Merry Christmas & Joy to the World!

The Cure for the Limbo Blues: Love, Music and Revelation

Today we had our Christmas program. Our ward has a lot of holiday travel, so we do it early each December. It was a truly wonderful thing, which wasn't necessarily unexpected, but in the past several weeks I was too much in a grumpy cloud for it to reach me.

Still, I went through the motions of all the practices. In each practice I dreaded one particular song. It starts out from the view of a shepherd who sees the star, hears the angels and witnesses the Christ child while he was still a boy. In a later verse the Shepherd says,

But life goes on, years beyond one brief night of my youth.
Time clouds my vision of truth.
And though I stumble, and fall,
I can hear someone call,
"Do not despair,
Your star is still there."

Now, I've been having a hard time not seeing my path as clearly as I'd like. I've been really even questioning if there was a plan for us some days. As a result, I had the annoying and inappropriate habit of always falling apart into complete despair exactly at time we sang, "Do not despair, your star is still there." On one occassion I had to excuse myself to the women's room to commence a big baby breakdown: "I don't see the star!"

As mentioned before, I'm guilty of thinking that just because I don't know or understand the plan for my life, that there isn't one.

On Wednesday I was at the church practicing for a small group number to start off the program. The Bishop was there and, in a pathetically resigned, "what-the-heck" way, I decided to ask him for a blessing, which he willingly did. It was remarkable how different I felt afterward. Basically I was reminded there was a plan, and received a great deal of understanding of why things are going the way they are. Not a lot of understanding of where they were going, but some direction at least. But beyond the words, I just left feeling fine about the state of things for the first time in a long time, even though they seem so uncertain still.

Just to know there was a plan, I could be okay not knowing really what it was.

So I spent the remainder of the week practicing Christmas songs, doing our mom's group Christmas music class, enjoying the group cookie exchange and giving away cookie plates to my VTees, visiting with friends, motherly nursing a bad case of poison oak on Ben, reading with Sophie, laughing at and with Noah, making Lucy giggle with kisses and generally feeling pretty good. And nothing really changed in my life, just a reminder that I'm on the Lord's radar. God's love is powerful stuff.

I have a lot of friends in limbo right now--financial, employment, relationship and fertility issues. One sweet friend of mine in a housing/financial limbo gave me this article, and if you are in any kind of limbo right now, I highly recommend it:

Our Unexpected Journey Toward the Promised Land


So I sat down in church today and thought for the first time that hey, all this practice has been for a Christmas program, maybe this would be a good time to get the Spirit of Christmas. In the meeting, President Bradford shared a quote that I instantly adopted as my life creed, a quote from President David O. McKay,

"Man's basic needs are love, music and revelation."

And as we sang and I listened to the narrative, I really felt wonderful. And because of this little reminder of the Lord's love this week, given through revelation, in a week filled with music, I was able to sing "Do not despair, your star is still there." --and really believe it.

Something to do instead of read a post from me

You may have noticed that I am late in posting and that I'm playing around with my blog skin. I did that yesterday in place of actually posting, then realized I had to go practice for the Christmas choir program and had used up all my time doing non important things relating to blog skins, meanwhile pretending it was Sabbath-worthy since it relates (ever-so-indirectly) to family history and my family journal.

Last week was ok, somewhat lame, but also we had a wonderful time at the Huntington Gardens on Thursday--an overcast, cool, green day. I'll post pics later in the week.

Our family is just in a funk, I guess. Lame, unblog-worthy issues, mainly. Not for public consumption. Although, I said something to Ben today as we were driving somewhere, and as it came out of my mouth, I wondered if it was a divine message to myself (through myself). Ben was complaining that we were going the wrong way because I was taking a different route he was unfamiliar with. I grumpily said to him:

"Just because you don't know where you're going does not mean you aren't going the right way."

I hope that's true.

So, instead of reading about the details of my week, watch this short video instead, and have your kids watch it (8+ probably). It's a helpful remedy for the holiday gimmee-gimees, and goes along with my previous post on consumption (thanks Cousin Lisa for the link!)


http://www.storyofstuff.com/

The fashion stuff and "planned obsolesence" segment is particularly interesting. It really leaves you not wanting to be a sucker.

My friend from the Netherlands is very surprised that sustainability and concern for the environment is a politicized issue in the US. She said that in Europe, taking care of the environment was a given as necessary thing and not appropriated by one political party. Well, I guess that's one blessing of being an avowed Independent!

Valerie

The Week in Review

Very tired this week, staying up too late pursuing my own interests. The one time I can use for such luxuries is the time I normally spend sleeping.

Rather uneventful week. David was working in NorCal Wed and Thurs, my mom got into town Wednesday, we went to Griffith Observatory again Wednesday (always amazing) and then to the Noah's ark exhibit at the Skirball for the Thursday Free day (advanced tickets required even for Free Thursdays, I highly recommend this place!)

The Skirball also had a new exhibit outside the children's place showing grains of rice representing people in various categories. Just a pile of rice on a paper with a label, and then another one. I want to come up with vivid, literary imagery to explain to you how interesting it was and how it made me feel, but my sleep-deprived fog is finding that part of my brain inaccessible. Instead, some plagiarism:

Now in a month-long engagement, Of All the People in All the World will feature more than fifteen tons of rice-900 million grains total-equaling the population of the Americas-organized to bring local, national, and global statistics to life. Artists from the innovative British theater company Stan's Cafe will carefully weigh and pile the staple food to quantify a variety of facts, from the serious and sobering to the lighthearted. Each grain of rice represents one individual. From the few women ever elected to the U.S. Senate to the multitudes who eat at McDonald's daily to the Southland residents who walk to work, the statistics portrayed will create an evolving landscape of rice, as the artists dismantle old piles and measure out new ones, often in response to the artists' interactions with visitors.Shocking, playful, dismal, and hopeful in turn, Of All the People in All the World will inspire viewers to celebrate how everyone counts in our ever-expanding global society. (From http://www.skirball.org/)

It was indeed amusing, surprising and depressing all at the same time. I was most depressed by the enormous pile of people who watched the 2006 finale of American Idol. Not because I have any personal beef with that show, but it just seemed to say something about something else. Not sure what those somethings were, though.

Friday we started Christmas music class, which was fun, and I just loved the long-missed rain we got that day. We also went to Souplantation with my sweet Doris.

That day, Doris got me going with a wild hair to write another website, so I obsessed on it until 1 am both Friday and Saturday while Mom and David watched Lord of the Rings I and II. I'll debut it when it's ready--I love a project!

Sunday was busy with church, ward choir, a small vocal group rehearsal for Enrichment, Stake Choir rehearsal, then the Christmas Devotional concert. I wish I sang so much more often, but my voice isn't used to it and I'm out of practice. I can't wait until I can go back and study music more and get some real skills!

Rereading this I realized I said this was a rather uneventful week, but in hindsight, apparently not.

Kids are doing great -- loud and chaotic -- cute and wonderful...

...In this post do I sound like I am rambling as I drift off to sleep? It feels like that to me.

G'night.

Grumpy Thoughts on Consumption

Let's think a bit about consumption. By definition:

• devour: eat immoderately
• serve oneself to
• spend extravagantly
• destroy completely
• use up
• engage fully

(And of course, another name for pulmonary tuberculosis: involving the lungs with progressive wasting of the body, it "consumes you from within.")

So, why is it we, as a body of people, are not deeply offended by our politicians and businesses referring to us human beings almost exclusively as consumers--ones who are fully engaged serving ourselves to devour, spend, destroy and use up?

So, quite by accident I didn't buy anything on "Black Friday" and "Cyber Monday" and I'm feeling like maybe this makes me single-handedly responsible for the impending recession. I've been thinking about my role as a consumer--one who consumes.

It's hard not to sound like a big prissy flag burner to say I feel uncomfortable with the completely unsustainable trajectory of our consumerism. In times of crisis, such as after the 9/11 attacks, we were given a priority edict from our political leaders to go out and buy and fly and start spending "normally." (read: heavily). Our economy is extremely dependent on heavy borrowing and heavy spending--the crazy ride on the markets right now is driven by debt-driven consumerism, holiday retail orgies, mortgages, student loans and oil consumption.

Because the markets are so dependent on consumption, we are actually encouraged by our president to show our love of country by spending, we will thereby show the markets that the retail sector is healthy so we can avoid a pitfall in consumer confidence (already on the decline with a new report out today).

In contrast, our prophet counsels us to save our money, to avoid debt, to put aside what we want today for what we may need tomorrow. To do without. Sister Beck said in October, "Mothers who know are willing to live on less and consume less of the world's goods in order to spend more time with their children, —more time eating together, more time working together, more time reading together, more time talking, laughing, singing, and exemplifying. These mothers choose carefully and do not try to choose it all."

I don't think this is just about not going out and getting a job so you can have fancy stuff. I really do think it is about learning to value and treasure the things of most value that money can't buy.

But what would happen to our consumption and debt-driven economy if everyone obeyed the prophet and so unpatriotically started to save, get out of debt, and not buy, buy, buy? I don't know, as an daily Marketplace listener, I have the impression the house of cards may unravel faster, but individual families would be safer in the fallout.

Now I'm the last person in the world worthy to preach on financial matters, but I'm committed to make this holiday one heavy on what is truly good, but modest on the goods. I'd like for me and us to be seen by our political leaders and the world at large as more than ones who consume.

That said, maybe this is the rant of someone who is simply bitter that they don't have piles of money to consume with. Who can say?

Sincerely,

Judgy Judgerson III

Thanksgiving and Fall Cleaning

First of all, let me start with that picture I promised back from the Pilgrim Festival, now that it is has been excavated and found...

Me and my cute babies (Noah as a bumblebee)

When I say that much of this week was spent in "Fall Cleaning," you are supposed to be impressed that I am dedicated to undertaking the old-fashioned rituals of seasonal changes in the household. Under no circumstances are you to construe that "Fall Cleaning" is one of only two times a year I actually really clean anything. And in particular, you would be amiss to assume that these frantic, disorganized efforts are not driven by the orderly seasonal changes but by the simple fact we usually have many guests and visitors for Easter and Thanksgiving, thus I am propelled from my more natural state of lax ennui into raging perfectionism.

You don't want to miss this, come by sometime and enjoy it, it's like observing metamorphosis in the wild.

So, in preparation for our Thanksgiving dinner of 17 people, I work hard making up for all that wasn't done in the past several months. (In my version of "Tortise & the Hare" the Hare is vindicated with a tie race.) We reorganized the bedrooms into the "girl" and "boy" rooms, completely got rid of most of Ben's stuff in an effort to "help him" keep his room tidier. Noah was moved in with Ben and Lucy's crib was moved in with Sophie. While David worked on Lucy's crib, Lucy took her nap in Noah's newly-set-up Bed, and she looked so tiny in it I had to get a pic.

We had a very nice Thanksgiving with the Mosses, the Lyons and the Hunters. The children had a great time, and it was kind of chaotic, but I think it went ok overall. The food turned out very yummy.

I usually feel all deflated and postpartumy each year after the big Thanksgiving production, but this year I didn't. This was either due to my conscious effort to avoid it, all the wonderful cleaning I would still have to show for it afterward, or perhaps due to the absence of Ned, who missed our Thanksgiving for the first time in 12 years. Maybe it was his fault all along, but probably just a coincedence. We missed you, Ned!

I did think upon my blessings this week, thinking particularly of manna--a constant, miraculous blessing of sustenance from the Lord. When you read the story, it seems so amazing and such a conspicuous show of God's hand--how grateful and happy the Israelites must have been under such constant providence!

But were they?

It is hard to be thankful for our manna, however miraculous, when your heart and mind are on the promised land. It is hard to be content with manna when you want to be sowing and reaping your own field. We are to eat our manna still with faith in our ultimate destination -- that land of milk and honey. We are to be thankful, content and humble in the fact that at times we must daily depend on the Lord sometimes for things we feel we should be able to do for ourselves.

Sometimes he actually does just give us a fish when we feel we are ready to go out and be fish for ourselves. To be thankful for the fish, and not resentful that the long-term plan is not in place--that is the task of today.

So, this Thanksgiving, I'm thankful for manna, in all it's immediate, short-term sweetness, knowing it comes directly out of the hand of God. I know it is intended as transitional sustenance and a lesson in humility and faith, not as a replacement for the promised land itself.

Hope it was a great Thanksgiving for all.

A Lesson on Spin

Our mom's group at Descanso on Monday

(MEPAF: Moms of East Pasadena and Friends)

This week was super fun! Lucy started to really get walking, Ben did great with his schoolwork, Noah is always singing, and Sophie's reading is really taking off.



On Monday we had a wonderful time at Descanso gardens and later a great family night and played Bible Bingo and ate donuts. On Tuesday we had scouts and played at the park. On Wednesday David left to go to Central California for work and the kids and I enjoyed a relaxing day together. Ben and Sophie got up early on Thursday to practice before coming in to me while still in bed to sing "Love is Spoken Here" (in full three-verse, duet form) . Later that day we had our friend Andrew over, as his mom just had a new baby boy. Friday we had a fun, active music class before we went to lunch with our friends Doris and Natasha, then took our friends Becca, Autumn and Andrew over to the Church park to play until the pizza and the Sister missionaries arrived and we ate dinner in the church and played until almost bedtime.



Ben went with the Scouts overnight with his dad and had a wonderful time. Then, Saturday I worked on the house getting ready for Thanksgiving while Lucy and Noah napped. After Sophie swept the whole front yard, she sung to herself at the table while making a turkey craft and said, "Mom, you make the best bread," as she munched on some fresh from the oven. Uncle Mike came to stay late Saturday and came with us to church, where I taught Relief Society and really felt the Spirit as I bore my testimony about our ability to become an instrument in God's hands. Then we all came home and ate waffles and bacon and the kids did gratitude-related crafts.

I just wish everyone could have the perfect life I have.

Here's a picture of me

in my perfect life.

And, I guess I should also mention...



It took me six days to wash all the dishes that had piled up in my kitchen, due to the constant demands of schooling, training, disciplining, cleaning up more urgent messes, diapering and rediapering, my own distractibility and miscellaneous items like cleaning off a blue spiral-like sketch Noah put on his own face (in what I had thought was water-based marker). Why does my life involve so much poop!? (Answer, because Noah is only 60% potty trained).

My house is a complete disaster and I am totally stressed about getting it presentable for Thanksgiving. I am 10% done after a full week of effort and four days away.


I also yelled more than I would have liked this week, my cell phone died because someone spilled water on it, we all got a little bit of a cold, especially Lucy, who actually had rough breathing for a day or so. My dear friend Patti had her baby 5 weeks early and he's having difficulties, and I feel so much for her having gone through such a hard experience just 17 months ago. Much of the "relaxing time" spent with my kids I was face-down on the couch not feeling so good with a belly bug or something.



Then, when I asked my oldest children if they really felt "love is spoken here" in our home, I simultaneously got:

Sophie: No, I guess not really.

Ben: No, but it would be if you guys would be nicer.



Hilarious.



Thursday, I hadn't had time to shower since David was out of town, and my hair showed it. Noah looked at me lovingly and said, "Mommy, your hair looks ugly." A fact which couldn't be disputed.



Friday, he was simply a holy terror while I tried to teach music class. Then I triple booked my schedule, as I am wont to do, and was like a headless chicken most of the day.



Saturday Ben had so little sleep from camping, and had such a hard time coming down off the high of being with his dad, that he spent most of Saturday in bed moping, sometimes crying, and occassionally yelling at me. He seemed to also have a fever for part of the afternoon. Noah then commenced along the same moody, runny-nosed path until collapsing to sleep, so we couldn't go to the Elves Faire I wanted to check out.



But, I finished my goal of doing all the dishes and cleaning the kitchen, begun Monday at 8 a.m., --at 8 p.m. Saturday.

But the bread actually did turn out very good.

...So, there is a former marketing professional's short lesson on "spin." Look for it in a newspaper near you!



In other news, at the end of the week, a major fiscal crisis was miraculously diverted, and although my husband had to point out to me that the Lord had obviously answered our constant prayers in a very direct manner, I didn't realize it because it wasn't specifically what I'd been asking for and I was busy feeling cheated that Lord didn't care. So I was repentant and humbled and I was brought again to be amazed at the kindness of God. I have so, so much to be grateful for because of and in spite of everything. I am really looking forward to Thanksgiving.

My anchor for the week:


27 And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them.

28 Behold, I will show unto the Gentiles their weakness, and I will show unto them that faith, hope and charity bringeth unto me—the fountain of all righteousness.


Ether 12: 27-28

Happy Thanksgiving!

Who doesn't have a blog these days?

So all my kids (except Lucy) now have a blog. Feel free to visit. I'm encouraging them to journal and thought friends and family may enjoy the updates. Sophie and Noah dictate, and Ben types until he's tired, and then he dictates.

Funny quote of the day. From Ben to Noah, who was carrying a pencil behind his ear:

"Cool, Noah! That's how business guys carry their pencils. Or scientists."

Sophie's: http://sophiesrainbow.blogspot.com/
Ben's: http://bentensblog.blogspot.com/
Noah's: http://ilikemyark.blogspot.com/

Hope for the future...

I read a fascinating article today in the New York Times summarizing two studies showing that behavioral problems in young children do not indicate future lack of success. It also confirms what I have suspected--that ADHD is a delay in development rather than a deficit in development. This would be in line with my own experience, where I just grew out of my crazy, hyper and anti-social behaviors by about Jr. High and turned out (almost) normal.

Still can't pay attention, but think that's related to other things. In general I can socialize and learn better than ever.

I highly recommend this read to anyone who has or works with kids:

http://www.nytimes.com/2007/11/13/health/13kids.html?em&ex=1195102800&en=10574fa94fad2575&ei=5087%0A

As a sidenote, it is very interesting to analyze one's life in terms of the percentage of current life events and experiences one is willing to discuss on a public blog. I am running at about 50% right now. Clearly our successes and joys are for the public eye, and our failures and frustrations for the closet. Or in my case, the other journal. :)

Anyway, prayers are always welcome...

Teeth Pics, Walking Babies and the Daily Drill

Here are the pics providing evidence of my last report. Here is the long-awaited Sophie Halloween pic as Sleeping Beauty, along with her friend Ella the witch and Autumn the angel, then with brother, the very in-character pirate, below:



Here is a pathetic confession, since David had the camera on his business trip, I didn't get pics of Lucy or Noah on Halloween, but will recreate them before next post. Noah was Sully again from Monsters, Inc., since I had that costume and could throw it on easy, and Lucy was a cow for the same reason. So, I'll throw those back on sometime this week for your viewing pleasure. How half-baked is that parenting?

So, on to the teeth:

Sophie's first lost tooth!

I had falsely reported four teeth on top, but is really two plus a half plus a fourth of a tooth--so 2.75 teeth in four slots.

Aren't my girls gorgeous?

In just the past two days Lucy has shown a preference for walking over crawling most of the time--it is so exciting!

Ben's homeschooling has been going very well, this week has been very eventful, as he moved to fourth grade curriculum in all subjects on Time4Learning.com and seems much more interested and challenged. We went to the zoo on Monday and the free day at the Natural History Museum on Tuesday, both of which demanded a great deal of field journal entries for Ben. On Wednesday we went to the library and got many books, mainly Thanksgiving books and Beverly Cleary. Already Ben is getting back to his more excited, positive self, which is great to see. Sophie is also enjoying the field trips and doing her own field journal. They are both excited about piano lessons (with mom) and are practicing without any fuss (for now, not sure how long that will continue).

Here is a cave painting Ben did for a Time4Learning Social Studies unit on ancient civilizations--check the red and black mastedon and giant yellow flying birds:

I definitely feel great about our choice to bring Ben back home.

Friday after the little toddler music class we have for the mom's group, we went to the Pilgrim's Place Thanksgiving fair in Claremont. Five other families from the mom's group went. It was so, so fun!! Everyone had their face painted (except Lucy, who I figured wouldn't hold still, as it was already hard for Noah), we ate popcorn and cotton candy and sno cones, we rode on the Mayflower and the Massasoit Train, we listened to Indian drums, watched a bit of the Thanksgiving play, and did lots of fun crafts, like the "Glue In" which involves lots of random items the Pilgrims Place community residents collect throughout the year, a cardboard mat, and a lot of glue and creativity. This one is Ben's:

Pilgrims Place is a neighborhood entirely of elderly people who have served the Christian faith as ministers, teachers or missionaries for at least 20 years full-time. The place had a great spirit about it. Lots of really good folks there. We're losing a good generation with the loss of that era.

We did a Polaroid/Frame craft, which made up for the fact I forgot my camera. This one is Sophie and our friend Ella, both in butterfly makeup:

And Ben, who asked for pirate makeup to relive the glory days of Halloween:

I am still trying to find the cute one of me holding Lucy and Noah (with bumblebee face paint). It's got to be around here somewhere.

Saturday was Ward Breakfast, practice for the primary program, and our great friend Addy's baptism! That was so fun to see. David and I went out on a date that night, just to dinner and some wandering around Vromans book store looking around.

And now for an update on David. Here he is reading the New Yorker as he is wont to do. That about covers it for facts I am allowed to disclose about David.

The primary program was today and they did a great job. I really felt the Spirit and was proud of all the work the children had put into it. I am very grateful for the amazingly great teachers and leaders our kids have been blessed with in Primary.

Halloween, new and old teeth

Our little Sophie is growing up--she lost her first tooth the night before last. She was worried going to bed that it would come out while she was sleeping and she would lose it, and I reassured her that I don't remember any of my teeth coming out while I was sleeping (as they usually came out from all the tinkering). But, of course it did come out while she was sleeping, and she excitedly came in to give it to me at about 3 a.m.

It was so small! A little bottom center tooth, the same size as the tiny first ones Lucy got in on the bottom. Sophie just looks like such a big girl--so tall to me. It is such a fun milestone.

At the same time, Lucy had those two top teeth coming in last week hastily followed up with the other two top teeth on either side this week--which made for some miserable, snotty nights. She looks like Cindy Lou Who from Dr. Seuss, but with less hair.



David was out of town this week only through Wednesday night, just long enough for me to really appreciate that he takes kids to school and does the laundry and helps me with the zone defense of child rearing. So, as he was flying in about bedtime on Halloween, we left the Sierra Madre Halloween festivities kind of quickly to go get him, but had more than enough candy anyhow.

And maybe all that candy will explain the fact that my boys have been moody and crazy all week. Noah has seriously been on a tirade of moodswings, violence, spite-driven defiance and throwing things, alternating with lethargy and exhausted crying--either it was the leftover virus from the fever from last week or all that sugar, since I wasn't the candy nazi I usually am this year. Ben has had a lot of stress with school and being sick last week, but that still wouldn't explain the mega hyperactivity also alternating with mopey lethargy and sleepiness. Again, leftover virus and candy is my guess.

On second thought, maybe all that candy in the house that would explain my own weepy craziness alternating with mopey lethargy and sleepiness....hm.

Well, at least the candy is out of the house now.

The kids have already started their turkey crafts--the construction paper Frankensteins, pumpkins and ghosts that have been adorning every open wall space in our house are starting to be replaced with construction paper Thanksgiving art. The Holidays are upon us!