Run faster! Or not.

Mosiah 4:27:And see that all these things are done in wisdom and ^aorder; for it is not requisite that a man should run ^bfaster than he has strength. And again, it is expedient that he should be diligent, that thereby he might win the prize; therefore, all things must be done in order.


Of course this scripture doesn't apply to me, and probably not to you.  We have too much to do. Clearly this scripture was written before the 24-hour stresses of daily modern life evolved and now literally demand that we run, process and accomplish tasks as fast as our computers can—the robots set the pace. What I'm sure the scripture meant was, Do not run faster than the strength:

1. you wish you had
2. you once had, ten, twenty or thirty years ago.
3. you think you should have if only you would try harder
4. you imagine everyone else has
5. you would have if you had less stress and enough money
6. you had in that one instant where you were your strongest ever
7. your kids have
8. your delusional supermom fantasies lead you to believe you have
9. all those inspirational famous people appear to have
10. the robots.

This past week, during a little informal dieting support group I attend, I was told by others that I needed to slow down, take an occasional break, and maybe let up on some of the pressures I put on myself.  It was even suggested that I stop stressing about diet stuff altogether for a little while. My knee-jerk response to this was to wave it off.  I've done lots of things at once, I'm a veteran multi-tasker. After the past ten years of almost constant chaos, upheaval and stress, I can now look death in the face and laugh. Hah!

Plus, if I slowed down, it's possible that any burdens I took off myself would simply be replaced by the guilt of doing so. So, why bother?

But after more thought, I realized that, although trials do make us stronger, I'm at a weak point right now. I get tired, emotionally and physically, more often at this moment in my life, for whatever reason. Perhaps I did need to readjust my expectations. I don't think my schedule is that busy right now, honestly it feels like most of the pressure is actually coming from inside my own head (be better, faster, stronger!), but let's take a look.

My list probably looks a lot like most people's in my stage of life.  If I do everything I'm supposed to do in a day, it looks like this:

• Feed people (3x)
• Dishes
• Laundry
• Daily job (M-Kitchen, T-Bathrooms, W-Living Areas, H-Bedrooms, F-Van/yard)
• Scriptures (usually done by audio while multitasking)
• Check Bills/finances
• Prayer (2x+) (usually in the shower--multitasking again)
• Track/plan food
• Kid shuffling: Homework, chores, piano practice, Activity Days, scouts, piano, tae kwon do
• Music Practice: voice (U admission auditions 2/27), learn UCA music, piano proficiency exam prep, children's choir prep
• Exercise
• Kid love: Cuddle and talk with kids, not about homework, chores or piano 
• Husband time 
• Service (VT, temple, trying to listen to the Spirit about who/what needs me, etc.)
• Try to make some money 
• Journal/Write
• Quiet meditation (Hah. This generally doubles as "sleep.")

No surprise, I don't often get to the things toward the bottom of the daily list, the things that make me and my family more happy, sane and less stressed financially.  When I focus on the business of home and family and getting the absolute necessities taken care of, when I finally get to my own shower and am ready to at last get to work on the rest, it's about 11:30 p.m. and I crash. 

Also, if my mind just revolts, and I sit down to rest or think in a quiet place for a minute, which is happening involuntarily more and more these days, there is always something that theoretically should be filling that time. No vacancies in the schedule allowed.

  

I know this is almost a universal problem with women in my place in life. I know we are supposed to simplify, yet my family and home need almost constant attention, I've felt direction from the Lord on the path I'm taking  with music even though that takes time. I just can't see quite where I'm supposed to cut.

Then again, what's not on my list, but takes a ton of my time and mental energy, is fruitless, tail-chasing anxiety, wall-staring panic, and Tetris-playing despair. Somehow, I never book enough time in the day to allow for these time hogs.

President Uchdorf said on this great talk on the subject: 

Let’s be honest; it’s rather easy to be busy. We all can think up a list of tasks that will overwhelm our schedules. Some might even think that their self-worth depends on the length of their to-do list. They flood the open spaces in their time with lists of meetings and minutia—even during times of stress and fatigue. Because they unnecessarily complicate their lives, they often feel increased frustration, diminished joy, and too little sense of meaning in their lives. 

It is said that any virtue when taken to an extreme can become a vice. Overscheduling our days would certainly qualify for this. There comes a point where milestones can become millstones and ambitions, albatrosses around our necks...

...My dear brothers and sisters, we would do well to slow down a little, proceed at the optimum speed for our circumstances, focus on the significant, lift up our eyes, and truly see the things that matter most. Let us be mindful of the foundational precepts our Heavenly Father has given to His children that will establish the basis of a rich and fruitful mortal life with promises of eternal happiness.

In that same talk, President Uchdorf said that our relationships with God, our family, our fellowman, and ourselves, are the top priorities. The first task of the first priority, our relationship with God, was, in fact, quiet meditation, the neglected item at the bottom of my list:

Quietly focusing on daily personal prayer and scripture study...these will be some wise investments of our time and efforts to draw closer to our Heavenly Father. Let us heed the invitation in Psalms: “Be still, and know that I am God.” 

So, as I approach these last two husbandless weeks of bar prep and stress, I am going to make a commitment to myself to a sort of mental/spiritual/physical refocus, not with a longer to-do list, but by making the last first, beginning each day with quiet prayer and study to get inspiration for the day. Maybe that would help me minimize the unscheduled time-hogs (anxiety, panic, despair) by replacing all that paralyzing fear with some faith.  And I think I'll put some kid love time before the kid shuffling time each day.

The Creator of the universe manages everything in order and love, so it only makes sense that as I face my own to-do list each morning, that I consult with Him first. 

A better day

I had Dave post that thing about the kid earlier because my work blocks a lot of sites and I couldn't get on blogger. I got a call at 8 a.m. from Paw-in-law and realized I may have managed to stress out people just like I was stressed out. Sorry if I did that to you.

I am learning something about myself. When I have tons to do, I get all fired up and am a whirlwind of productive creativity. When I have a lot of downtime or unstructured time, all of a sudden I am a bump on a log. I had all the time in the world to do the personal projects I'm taking on before I went back to work, but was stagnant. Perhaps it was discouragement about things, financial frustration--those things can be paralyzing.

But, if I was all rich and hopped up on Prozac I think I'd still be more motivated by being busy. Isn't that a funny word--business=busy-ness. It makes business seem so inane--the cause of being busy.

At work the new employees had a big 4-hour meeting on the Franklin Covey Four Disciplines of Execution today. I'll be honest, I'm a little burned out on the Covey cult and don't drink the Kool-Aid, if you know what I mean. Mainly because I think he's getting paid too much for stating the obvious, both of which he is, but most of us need the obvious stated and many are willing to pay him for it. So, kudos to him and whatever.

I'll say it. In the end, it was totally great. The whole point was to get tools to bridge the gap between what you want to accomplish and what you actually do, and I felt like I got my mind around the actual concrete things in both my job and my personal life that I can do to get me what I want. I sipped just a bit of the Kool-Aid.

Oh, I wish the camera cable wasn't in where Lucy is sleeping, I have SO many pictures for you, including no less than 20 pounds of produce I picked today. I spent my evening making zucchini bread, grating bags of zucchini for the freezer, roasting chiles--it's a fun time.

Well, it's 11:37, I need to get up at 6 and I still have empires to build tonight, so I'd better go.

Well, you had me going there for a minute.

I'm sure you saw this coming, and if you didn't, you hoped it would, but I need to step back from my outspoken support of my sweetie Barack today, who as of now I'm still supporting but he's officially off the blog. I can't deal that he stood next to McCain to pass the FISA issue (to give phone companies immunity for helping the government to conduct illegal wire tapping for Our Pres). I know the candidates have to move center during the general election, and I LOVE the center, don't get me wrong, but he's picking the wrong center for me. I can't get excited about it.

It's not enough to get me to support McCain, who was off partying like a frat boy and burning people in effigy at the crazy Bohemian Grove this weekend with the rest of the Republican power mongers. (I linked for you, but seriously, don't read about it too much because it will mess you up--there's some sick stuff you just don't want to know about the people who lead our country.)

So, I'm not entirely giving up hope, but can't actively support where he's going right now.

What the lilacs mean

Today I got very muddy. This morning, mom and I went to J&L Garden and bought strawberries, raspberries, blackberries, asparagus and rhubarb. With the exception of the strawberries, this is clearly a long-term investment. I'm showing the Lord I'm serious about making this place my own.

At 4 p.m. I had the ridiculously unrealistic idea (as is my trademark) that I could get these all in the ground today. What really happened is I got in the raspberries and we had a late dinner.

Getting in the raspberries sounds so simple, but it required mowing a patch by the sunny fence, raking it out, rototilling 3-4x over, deciding I really meant to put it on the opposite (pasture) side of the fence), repeating these first steps, digging 10 holes, putting 2T of root stimulant in each and separating a large mass of roots in one pot into 10 canes. Then came the actual putting them in the ground part, and watering them in. Then cleaning up.

This is getting to the time of year where many hours of yard work every day are going to be required to live the dream we came here to live. Despite the already-present aches from my yanking on a stubborn Craigslist lawnmower starter WAY too many times today, I really, really love it.

My spouse, who is far more private with his mental demons than I am, also finds great solace in the lugging of wood and the bagging of leaves. For both of us, it is our own little white house on the hill, our personal funny farm.

Today I found particular enjoyment hearing myself utter the phrase, "Sophie, go up and get me the hoe out of the front shed, please." There would be something I haven't said before, and not just because I now have two sheds. Back in LA that would have been more like, "Soph, don't go outside of the gates because you'll be run over or fall within eyesight of the pervs in front of the porn store." We're movin' on up.

However, there were some conversations, some assessments, let's vaguely say, which led to greater, discouraging understanding of the state of those unimportant, worldly things today that, however eternally irrelevant, threaten our earthly peace to destroy (that awkward sentence will be even more awkward for people not familiar with LDS hymns).

Anyway, David became somewhat glowery, as he is wont to do under such news, and I threw myself into yard work.

Several weeks ago I decided that the only thing missing in this idyllic scenario we've just been handed is a lilac tree. I almost bought one, but it seemed frivolous and would take years to be what I really wanted it to be. Lilacs hold enormous significance for me, they just drip with bittersweet Bountiful childhood nostalgia, along with that amazing scent and comforting color.

In the back corner of our yard, back behind the shed, is a very large, tall bush. I've been watching the bush carefully as little green things have begun popping up all over. I was waiting to find out if it really was--if it could be--what I really hoped it would be.

Because all around the house and in the yard are little tokens of things that show me that God knows me, that he is working in my life. They give evidence to the fact He is directing my life as I've prayed for him to take over and do. They are little things that would probably seem silly to you, but as they have piled up, I have really seen them as nothing less than tokens of affection from a loving God, a reassurance that everything really will be okay and He's in charge.

So, in short, I spent some time scrutinizing the bush today. Then went in and told David, "It's a lilac. Everything is going to be okay."

He actually nodded.